Rebecca's Story Disordered Eating Canada

Hi my name is Rebecca. I've never been the anorexic nor have I been the bulimic. I've just fallen somewhere in between. I can't remember a time when I wasn't obsessed with my weight or comfortable in my own skin. I went through anorexic behaviours numerous times. I survived on a diet of lettuce for about four or five months. I was only 11 then. All through high school I was up and down in weight, never drastically though. There was a point in the 12th grade that I'd exercise for three hours a day at the gym and then come and lock myself in my room so I wouldn't eat. I'd just sit there, rocking back and forth trying to endure the immense hunger pains. I'd cry a lot, still do. Most of my friends are quite pretty and oh so terribly thin. The depressing element is that they don't have to excersie at all nor do they watch what enters their mouths. They could eat a whole brick of ice cream and then go shopping finding size four clothes that are too big. I'm happy if I can fit into a size 10 or 12. I never touch ice cream.

I've been called pretty and beautiful and all that. I can't count how many times I've been told (often by strangers) that I look exactly like Kate Winslet. They always say, "what a lovely face you have". I always thank them. But then I'm often depressed after. I've never been the girl with the 'amazing bod'. Perhaps it's superficial and self-centered, but I want that amazing bod. Whenever I sit down, I'm always comparing the size of my thighs to the person next to me. There are many nights I don't want to go out to the 'bars' because of the skimpy wardrobe that is practically required and all my friends are carelessly slipping their hard, slender bodies into them. They always tell me I'm not fat. I don't ask them though. I'm too scared to hear the real answers.

I've never been bulimic either. I can't make myself puke. I'd had my whole fist down my throat, I've had a fork and a toothbrush down there and still nothing but empty gagging and heaving. It's better that way or I know I'd be in big trouble.

For me, I have to work out regularly and constantly remind myself that I'm strong. My scrawny little friends couldn't lift half the weights that I can. It's hard for me, especially when my 16 year old sister has such a skinny little body. I don't think I'll ever lose the self-conscious thing. People don't think I'm like that. I try to project an image of happiness and self-confidence, but like most people, it's a well rehearsed facade.

For anyone out there reading this, I guess my best advice is to do the best with what you have, and please, don't read those fashion magazines.