|Nikki's Story||Disordered Eating||Australia-New South Wales|
My name is Nikki. I'm 17. I guess I've had an obsession over food for around 3 years but these last two have been my greatest nightmare. I'm not entirely sure how much I weigh as I am too scared to see just how much I have put on over this last year. I think I weigh around 90 kg or a size 16. At my lightest, about 79 kg, I felt my strongest of course I didn't realize how thin I was back then I thought I still had around 10 kg to lose. I still thought I was fat. I was always a chubby child and obesity runs in the female side of our family so basically, I was doomed from day one. I was sometimes teased in school but most of the torture came and still comes from my own self-loathing. I haven't had a bad up bringing, in fact, far from it. My parents are supportive and I have a tight circle of friends.
It all started when I was about 15, when I went on a diet with my mum. It was an extremely sensible diet, my mum cooked healthy and we walked every night. I did so well, felt stronger everyday and I lost around 12 kg's. I can still remember the moment I fell off the wagon; I can picture it so clearly. It was Easter and I'd been fighting against the constant offers of chocolate. I eventually gave in and haven't stopped giving in to this day. I ate more and more. I stopped eating mums healthy food, and stopped walking with her as well. My mum persisted with the diet and lost about 20 kg's. My mum is so strong, and I won't lie, I resented her for continuing with the diet and being successful. I cringed every time someone commented on how good my mum was looking as I stood in the background, hating myself for being so weak and so fat.
Everyday for about 2 years I wake up, promising myself I'll eat healthy but eventually I always break the promise. I go through good and bad periods. During my bad periods, I eat everything I had been fanaticizing about and then make myself throw up. I hate myself for doing this. Hate myself for being so weak. I'm (as a lot of people who suffer from eating disorders are) a successful "example" student. The quiet one nobody ever has to worry about. I feel so ashamed that I do this to myself. Even though I'm the friend people go to for support, I'm the one that has this silent agony killing my spirit more and more everyday. Even during my good periods I constantly obsess about food. It's my everything. I may eat well but ever since that Easter I've known it's only be a matter of time before I'm back to that darker side of myself. The side that waits until everyone's asleep and raids the fridge like some kind of maniac searching for anything I don't usually "allow" myself to eat. Most of the time I think this isn't about food, it's about control. This wears me down more and more everyday. No one close to me has any idea of this constant plaguing inside me.
I'm not an anorexic. I'm not a bulimic. I'm not obese and I'm not skinny. In fact, I don't seem to fit into any one category. I throw up but not enough to be a full-blown bulimic. Each time after I throw up and see the marks on my hand that my teeth made, I promise never to do it again, but I do. At the stage I'm at now, I could definitely be a lot worse. My problem is how long is this going to go on inside my head? How long am I going to have to view food as an evil, bad, bad thing? How long? Will it ever end? The saddest part is I know, I'm not alone. When I visited this Web site and read the other stories, I realized just how wrong this all is. What drove each of us to this madness? I looked at the screen, and scrolled down name after name after name….all these people….all this suffering. Such pain, such pointless pain.
Let us find the strength to beat this.
P.S. Here's a poem I've written about my fight with this monster.
"In Pointless Wonder"
This makes me sick
I stare at myself, and cringe
Self-abuse clouds my mind; it's so dark
I scream at heart aiming to kill
Yearning to feel
Just a little something to numb the pain
and bring me back to life again
My eyes; so blue, so cold, losing hold
As obsession chokes my spirit and inspires me to disappear
Rid myself of this pointless wonder
That god damn mirror
Laughing at a ghastly image of my fasting face
Kneeling on the bathroom's freezing tiles
Prying at the torn flesh of my throat
Choking and spitting as my head pounds above the water: pristine
I taste my tear as the water fills with my ugliness and spins, and spins
As I throw up my soul again, and again.
- Nikki -