Micki's Story Disordered Eating

Hi! My name is Micki Smith. I am 34 years old. I am 5' 5'' tall. I weigh 113 lbs. Last March, I weighed around 100 lbs. I wanted to gain weight. I had not planned on losing that much weight. I weighed around 135 lbs. before then. I became ill, I was hospitalized at a psychiatric hospital and was diagnosed with borderline bi-polar disorder. I had always had highs and lows--this condition should have been diagnosed sooner. Anyway, I have been saying for the past year that I needed to gain to 116 lbs. This is the lowest weight in my range for height and all to be considered healthy. I never dreamed that once I gained 110 lbs. that it would bother me. It is really bothering me. I have cut back on my calories and have even started to take diet pills--which I know is not good. I have had to start using laxatives once a week, because of constipation. I see a therapist weekly. I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder or not. I want to do what is right; but I don't want to gain the weight. I know I should. I know I'm thin--but sometimes I think I'm fat.