Michelle's Story Disordered Eating Ohio

Hi my name is Michelle, and I have worried about my weight all my life. Of course it was never this bad. It began when I was about in fourth or fifth grade. I had become a little pudgy, but it was not something i worried about every minute. Then my classmates thought it was their responsibility to tell me everyday how fat I was. This began to tear me apart. I would go home and cry to my mom who always understood and would listen to me and tell that she thought i was beautiful and that I should try to not let them hurt me, because they were not important. They hurt me so bad though. To this day it makes me cry to think about how much pain they caused me. I was scared to go to school everyday, because I didn't want to get hurt again. It made me so embarassed. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. As a younger child I had untouchable confidence, and I hate those kids for taking that away from me. I saw myself as an ugly blob. I felt that, that was what I was and I learned to live as that. I never wanted anyone to pay attention to me, because I thought it would turn into something derogatory. So I decided to try to stay out of sight. I knew I was ugly and gross, and I just accepted it. I went from hating my appearance to questioning what good my personality is. Then any confidence I had was shattered.

Then as I grew older I lost maybe ten pounds, and saw a little beauty in my face. A small amount of confidence perked up. This gave me the power to loose a total amount of 30lbs. I kept this of for almost two years. Needless to say with the confidence and some weight gone, people began to accept me more. I was in my heaven. Even guys were interested. This was a new thing since I always knew guys were repulsed by me. In my junior year I gained 17lbs. back. I was a little scared, but I started jogging and eating right. It came off along with a little more. I was happy. Then my senior year I was thin, and then my knee got injured and some weight came back on. Then I started partying which didn't help. I hadn't gained much, but I started to get scared. So I tried everything, but it seemed to make me gain more weight. I got to the point where I couldn't think of anything else. I was becoming that big gross thing again. I was scared. I began using food as my comforting tool. I would eat until nothing else could fit in my body. Usually at night in front of the TV. While everyone was asleep. While I would eat I would be numb and soothed. Then afterwards I felt a guilt I never knew was possible. I would then try to go to bed. With this more weight came. Then I tried so hard to make myself throw up. I couldn't do it. I then looked into laxitives. I would take 5-9 laxatives everyday. It didn't help me loose weight, but my stomach felt less full. Finally my stomach began hurting everday. I knew I was damaging my stomach, so finally I stopped those. Now food is something I think about most of the day. I think that I get fatter everyday.

Everything in my life feels out of control. I always think what is the use of doing anything if I am a gross beast. I have somehow gotten alot of confidence back, but food has taken over my life. It is scary, and I know everyone is as tired of hearing about it as I am of living with it. I read stories about anorexia and wish that I could starve myself. I actually get jealous when people tell me they have not eaten all day or that they have lost weight. I feel alot that it is because of how much I cannot control the things in my life, and food is something I can either eat or not eat. It is my decision. I know it is a lot because of those kids. I have tried help, but I always feel like I will wake up one morning and not have to worry abvout it. I feel like i can fix myself, but I don't know if it is possible. This has caused me so much pain, and I feel like an idiot not being able ot control what goes in my mouth, so I feel stupid telling this to anyone who I know cannot understand what I am going threw. I know that this is something that I will live with for the rest of my life, but I hope to be able to live a day to day life in some kind of control.