|Kira's Story||Disordered Eating||Australia|
I want to share my story with others, in a bid to make them realize they are not alone. It all began when I was approximately, 13 1/2 years old. I was in a band, an all girls rock band and we were touring the entire eastern coast of Australia. This was such a big deal to me. I was excited and very, very confident that we would succeed as a band (the usual 8th graders unrealistic dream). We proceeded on our tour and I started becoming aware of the way other people looked at me and perceived my body shape. The other girls in the band were not overweight and I don't think I was at the time. In fact, I was often told how attractive I was and older males tended to talk to me in a very sexual ways. I was excited by this attention and decided I would go on a diet to impress our audience at our gigs. I couldn't diet because we were constantly on the road and bored, so we ate anything we could. I started to put on weight and suddenly was overcome by guilt and feeling inadequate.
So came the onset of bulimia. Of course, I didn't tell anyone, though it was hard to keep a secret on a three week tour with four other girls constantly at my side. One time, in Maloolahbah,, we were at dinner and I felt I had to rush out and self-induce vomiting. This was almost a ritual now and I was unaware that I was being followed. One of the girls followed me into the toilet where I obliviously purged all that I had eaten until blood was the only residue coming up my esophagus (sorry this is so graphic). She just glared at me when I emerged from the bathroom with bloodshot eyes and coughing.
That was only the beginning. Of course, parents were informed, but I avoided counseling, blaming my "minor eating disorder" on the downfall of our band and some trash that went down on tour. I remained in this little bulimia phase until I was in 9th grade, when a breakup with a boyfriend and a few comments that I had out on weight changed my feelings forever. I cried all night after those comments, which at the time were destructive to my self-perception to the point that I hated myself. I started increasing my exercise. I was a long distance runner and played hockey, so this was not a problem. I just added several extra training runs and weight sessions to my regime in a bid to increase my metabolic rate and burn off what I ate. I restricted my diet rather severely and began to lose weight rapidly, to my delight. People did not really realize until the beginning of 10th grade when I began to avoid eating all together publicly and would refuse to go out for dinner or eat at school. Instead I drank black coffee and water. I dressed in big clothes to hide my "fat body" and so no one really said anything.
Then I met Rochelle. She was obviously anorexic and I became very close to her. We eventually confided in each other and found comfort in each otherŐs misery as far as we felt about ourselves. We began to restrict more and more, telling each other we could do it. It was insane finding someone else at my own school who felt as I did. We both lost a lot of weight and always felt safe together. I started throwing up my coffees at school and people started asking why I didn't eat. I told them I ate a lot and because of my running I had to watch my diet anyway!
A cross-country carnival proved to be both rewarding and a downfall. I ran well, very well in fact, winning the event and breaking the current record by four minutes!!! However, being a runner, I had to wear little clothing due to the heat and that's when the comments started. "You are too thin. Do you eat? Oh God, you are a chicken!" But I loved it. I loved feeling wanted again or at least feeling that I was thin, which a lot of the girls at our school weren't. My success drove me harder and harder to lose more weight. I ran more, spent hours in my home gym, and at another gym, and guys were loving my "new figure".
I guess I am pretty, although I have only just realized that. I thought guys would like me more if I had the perfect body too. I kept restricting and driving myself into the ground and vomiting when I did eat. I started to lose touch with all my friends, except Rochelle who was my soul companion. Being popular at school did not matter to me anymore nor did my family, friends or even my sport. All I wanted was the control to lose weight. Don't get me wrong, I came from a well off family. We were close (even though I am adopted) so there is no reason there that triggered my eating disorder. No reason except perfection.
The 1500 was my event, I trained so-o-o hard for it. I could taste the success, I knew that I would win or so I thought. Having eaten rather poorly for around eight months now, I ran the race, only to faint and blackout for a long period. I came to and my mother started noticing things. She noticed how little I ate, the bags of food and vomit hidden in bins and my room. So a counselor was called. Being smart and so-o-o good at the art of denial, I scammed my way out of that and continued to lose weight. Old friends came and asked me if I was anorexic, rumors hit the school rapidly and everyone in town would say, "oh, God, she is so-o-o thin. That girl is anorexic" but it only made me more determined. By this time, I had quit hockey, stuffed up running and was content to exercise. The taunting grew cruel and I became more obsessed with all the "gluggy fat" on my limbs, weighing 40 kilos (88 pounds), I was hardly fat.
It all came to a head in 11th grade when my Rochelle moved and TOLD A SOCIAL WORKER! I could not believe that I was deceived! Months of dietetics, forced eating, and hospitalization made me gain 20 kilos!!!! I was forced and not mentally or physically strong enough to push them away or to fight. So I snapped back into reality for awhile and ate and ate and ate. Then a relapse, I began the cycle all over again and now am trying to lose 15 kilos of my 5'8" frame.
No one will notice this time, as I will try harder but I feel good about it. I crave my anorexia, it is a part of me now, a part of me that will never die. I know I am selfish but I don't want it to go away. I know that sounds stupid but maybe you can justify that or at least relate to it. I am a model now, sounds kind of ironic, but maybe that is driving me towards the crippling throes of anorexia again, who knows. I just want to be perfect, that is all I can ever do.