Rachel's Story Disordered Eating

I stumbled onto this site because I am currently becoming obsessed with the idea of eating disorders and I've been researching them, especially anorexia. Probably because I'm developing one.

When I was in the 5th grade my family moved to Arkansas, this was a dramatic change from New York and being a sensitive child I was very emotional. I became friends with a girl who liked to eat a lot, I image she has an eating disorder too. She was chubby and her parents told her that and put her on diets. When we would play she wanted to go to the store to buy candy bars so I did too. I remembered I weighed 85 lbs. and I went up to 120 lbs. but the beginning of next year my 6th grade year. My parents told me that I was getting chubby and that I needed to eat healthier. This really hurt my feelings and I told them I was never eating again. It seems like that was my initial instinct, starve.

7th grade I was still chubby but by the 8th grade I had grown into my body and was normal. By no means thin, but normal. High School I was always self-conscience. I wore baggy cloths because I thought it made me look smaller, (looking back I just looked ridiculous). I didn't like to eat in front of people because I felt like they would be disgusted that a chubby girl would eat something other than veggies & fruit like I should have been doing. Despite feeling really unattractive I never acquired bulimia or anorexia, although I thought it would be a good thing if I did because I wouldn't let myself get underweight.

MyJunior year we moved to Phoenix I seemed to do better. I wore cloths that fit me and had more confidence. Right before I graduated I met my current boyfriend. He gave me a lot of confidence because I think he's so beautiful and brilliant that I must be attractive if he wants to be with me. We have been together for a year and a half now and although I treasure his opinion it is not enough anymore.

Although the scale reflected the same weight that I was a year and a half ago I feel like I have become flabby and disgusting. I am not thin but logically when I really think about it I'm not fat either, just normal. Normal isn't good enough. Turning 20 made me think about my life. I am experiencing a mini-crisis. I can't look back at what I've accomplished because naturally there is not a whole lot being I was just a teenager, but I can look toward the future and I don't want to waste anymore of my life being just adequate, "normal". I see all this potential that I don't live up to. One of them is being thin. I have an attractive body but yet it needs to lose pounds and I hate it.

My friends, family, and strangers tell me how pretty I am, I might be shallow but I know that I am lucky for my face. This just upsets me because although my face is like the magazines my body is not. I feel like I a wasting my pretty face. I should be petite too. I need breast implants also.

I just can't take it anymore. When I don't eat I feel really good, like I accomplished something. I hate food. My boyfriend doesn't like me skipping meals. I have found myself lying to the person I love most in the whole world, I tell him I already ate or that my tummy hurts too much from indigestion, or I even go as far as to hide it in napkins. (Heart pounding, praying he does not see.)

The more weight I lose the better I feel. I don't mind the hunger pains, the sleepless nights, the dizziness... well I do but I deal.

This site scares me because I read those girls/women's stories and I identify with so many of those feelings... I don't want to get sick. I don't want this to hurt me or my boyfriend.

But it does not make me want to stop dieting, starving.

I want to weigh 115lbs. I'm close, I feel like I will be content there and not lose anymore because I've have always seen underweight women just as unattractive as overweight women.

I hope that this is a phase, I pray that this is a phase and I will be able to maintain the weight in a healthy manner. All I know is that I think about food constantly, about it making me fat, I have nightmares that I eat and I wake up relived that it was only a dream. I can't image living with this anxiety forever. I keep thinking being thin will make me happier and make my life easier.