M's Story Disordered Eating

I've been having problems with my weight since I was little. I was kind of overweight in grammar school, but a growth spurt in high school sort of evened it out and I didn't really look that heavy anymore. Well, that's what everyone told me. I still didn't see it. That's when I started dieting, and when I dieted I was incessantly militant about it. I would lose weight for a while, and then something would come up or happen and throw me off. I would be OK for awhile, but it didn't take long before I didn't even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. Then I would go back to dieting worse than before.

Then I started taking diet pills. These diet pills became my new best friend. I would take combinations of fat-burners, metabolism enhancers, and appetite suppressors. When that started to slow down I would return to what I had started to call extreme dieting. I didn't take them all the time. I would stay on this little program I had created for myself for a couple of months, and then I'd be "normal" for a month or two. "Normal" never lasted, the second I felt that I was gaining I would get disgusted with myself, and within a week or two of that feeling I was back to the pills and diet. I've tried so hard to stop, and I'm still trying. It's a daily battle, and it's really hard because I can't talk to anyone because I've done such a good job of hiding my actions that no one even thought I had a problem. But I know, at least now I do. It's a screwed up, twisted cycle, but I'm trying every day I'm trying.