Anonymous Story Disordered Eating

I'm not going to leave my name because this problem is something that leaves me feeling embarrassed and hopeless. I have an eating disorder; I am certain of that. I found this site, and after reading some of the stories I feel very inspired. Here's my story.

Growing up I was a very active child and had an active family. I was never overweight. I did however have the biggest sweet tooth. I was always teased about how much I loved sweets. Determined to be "healthy" I started to eat "low fat" foods during the summer after my 7th grade year. I thought this was a great idea, but it backfired on me. I thought that because the foods were low fat I could eat as much as I wanted. I ended up gaining weight. I was confused and then determined to loose the weight I had gained. I started to monitor my caloric intake. I started a moderate decrease and was consuming 1,700 calories a day, then 1,500 and eventually 1,000 calories a day.

I was an athlete, so every day I had basketball practice. I would run a mile from my house to basketball practice and then go about practicing for two or more hours. I lost weight very quickly. I lost 40 lbs. in about a month and a half. Many people noticed and were impressed and also interested to know how to lose weight so quickly. Little did they know that food and calorie counting had taken over my life. Every day was a battle. My head hurt like crazy. I was cranky, tired and anti-social. My whole life revolved around eating and exercising. At one point I was nearly consuming 500 calories a day.

At 5'7" I weighed 100 lbs. Friends and teachers were concerned about me, but my close family never really seemed to notice. I had always been a family girl. My mom and dad were everything to me, yet my mom didn't even notice that the weight drop was so serious. I was going insane with my growing obsession. Finally I went to get help. I learned more about my disorder, but looking back I don't feel that the therapy helped a great deal. During the sessions I would always wear my happy face and pretend that things were great. But it wasn't purposely; I really did feel happy. In fact, there were very few times that I was sad, or anything other than happy. I guess that's what happens when you turn off your emotions.

After years I eventually allowed myself more food, but the obsession didn't subside; if anything it grew. Instead of staying at the perfect weight and recognizing the perfect amount of food to eat, I started consuming way too much food. I started to allow myself "free days" and then I could eat anything I wanted. These days were awful because the next day I would fee horribly depressed and absolutely sick and bloated. At first my free days were only once a month, but then they increased to once a week and pretty soon daily. I have yet to be overweight, but even those extra 10 or 15 lbs. made me feel so unattractive and absolutely out of control.

Instead of enjoying holidays and time with friends and family, I am always thinking about weight and food. I remember Christmas day when I was 18 I ended up leaving the family celebration and coming down to the basement to sit all along in the corner of a small room because I had just binged, consuming too many calories for the day. I felt so guilty and hopeless and felt I couldn't face anyone. I felt that they would be able to see that I had gained weight in those few moments and that was the worst feeling in the world to me.

Now that I have started bingeing every now and then I want to rid my body of the calories but have grown tired of running the 5 miles like I used to, I have tried purging. I have had no success. I try and try but can't seem to do it. This makes me feel even more worthless and horrible. I want so badly to rid myself of the extra calories but don't have the ambition to run 10 miles and can't purge, so I crawl into a ball on my bed and cry. I pray that I'll fall asleep and won't have to think about it...maybe it will all be a dream. I have had nightmares similar to this before.

Every now and then I'll open up to a close friend or my mom and tell them about my problem. It doesn't really seem to help because someone that eats normally will never be able to understand how we feel. I feel that food had taken over my life. I feel like I need control and when I lose control over my eating I feel like less of a person. I can't stand being around anyone because I have no time to concentrate on them because all of my thought and energy goes into my eating habits. I would love to just be able to sit down in the morning to a bowl of cereal and a banana in the morning without the fear of eating the whole box of cereal and then moving onto the gallon of ice cream even after my tummy feels like it will pop any moment.

I just recently got back from a three week trip and I ate no more than 500 calories a day in order to lose weight. . I lost 15 lbs. or so but then yesterday after having family and friends over I gave in to the urge to binge. I had been doing so well. After bingeing I just lost it, I mean I completely lost it. I felt so hopeless and disgusted. I'm so sick of this cycle. I'm sick of losing the weight and feeling so wonderful and hopeful and then having one bad episode that ruins everything. It's the worst feeling in the world to have no control over such a thing as eating. I mean, how hard can it when you're hungry and then stop when your full right? But it's SO hard for me...I can't wait until Ill be able to trust myself again.

It's been four years now that I've suffered from various eating disorders and I'm sick to death of it. I'm ready to move on and start concentrating on the people in my life. I'm anxious to discover who I really am and find interests in my life other than food. Thank you for letting me share. My love to everyone who is trying to discover themselves and let go of their obsession with food.