Meghan's Story	Disordered Eating

If I look back at my life, I always say that I was always heavy, but when I see pictures, I was such a thin, active little girl. I have never fit in, which I am somewhat proud of, the one in leopard print while everyone else is in grey. But my issues run deep. I know one of the starting points was my low self esteem; I had glasses in grade three, retainer then braces, and was smart-thereby cursed. My first nickname was from a kid named Richard, I was the 'four-eyed metal mouthed freak'... in grades 5,6, I was asked out as part of a joke the entire class, including my 'best-friend,' was in on... high school was just a mess, I was always about 130, and put on a little more all the time. Then, when I got to university, I fought with my roommate, my ex-boyfriend and many others. I got up to about 155-160. Then I took the next year off school, and worked in an office. I hit 185. At that point I realized how heavy I'd become and went into such a self-hate 'place' in my mind; I punched my upper legs to punish myself whenever I ate, I looked like I'd been in an accident from the waist down. I took diet pills, which turned out to be speed, I would not eat for great amounts of time then need to eat a box of chocolate. It has been almost a year since then, and I now weigh 115 pounds, and have never been more unhappy in my life. I cannot stay off the scale, I continue to take herbal diet pills, even though I know I shouldn't, and I have become obsessive/compulsive in some areas of my life. I see a therapist for eating disorders, who is great, but I'm just not past the feelings yet. A week and a half ago I gained almost 5 pounds, and I literally almost fell off the scale in anger, hate, shock. Maybe one day I won't feel like a failure for eating, because I need to eat. Maybe. This is my poem They Promised I saw the pictures everyday Sweet words giving hope Liquid, fluid, luscious beauty I took it in, ate all the bull Hated me more than anyone else Hit me, starved me, fed me pills Had to have the Liquid, fluid, luscious beauty. They promised I would be happy, be loved adored Time, hate, pain, hate, pills, hate me Now who am I? Barbie twiggy kate moss me-beautiful-never who could have known? I'm here The liquid, fluid, luscious beauty or so I'm told I can't believe been trained not to I'm not good enough pretty enough special enough YES YOU ARE!!!! who, me? NO!!! love to all meghan