Meghan's Story Disordered Eating

If I look back at my life, I always say that I was always heavy, but when I see pictures, I was such a thin, active little girl. I have never fit in, which I am somewhat proud of, the one in leopard print while everyone else is in grey. But my issues run deep.

I know one of the starting points was my low self esteem; I had glasses in grade three, retainer then braces, and was smart-thereby cursed. My first nickname was from a kid named Richard, I was the 'four-eyed metal mouthed freak'... in grades 5,6, I was asked out as part of a joke the entire class, including my 'best-friend,' was in on... high school was just a mess, I was always about 130, and put on a little more all the time. Then, when I got to university, I fought with my roommate, my ex-boyfriend and many others. I got up to about 155-160. Then I took the next year off school, and worked in an office. I hit 185. At that point I realized how heavy I'd become and went into such a self-hate 'place' in my mind; I punched my upper legs to punish myself whenever I ate, I looked like I'd been in an accident from the waist down. I took diet pills, which turned out to be speed, I would not eat for great amounts of time then need to eat a box of chocolate. It has been almost a year since then, and I now weigh 115 pounds, and have never been more unhappy in my life. I cannot stay off the scale, I continue to take herbal diet pills, even though I know I shouldn't, and I have become obsessive/compulsive in some areas of my life.

I see a therapist for eating disorders, who is great, but I'm just not past the feelings yet. A week and a half ago I gained almost 5 pounds, and I literally almost fell off the scale in anger, hate, shock. Maybe one day I won't feel like a failure for eating, because I need to eat. Maybe.

This is my poem

They Promised

I saw the pictures everyday
Sweet words giving hope

Liquid, fluid, luscious beauty I took it in, ate all the bull
Hated me more than anyone else
Hit me, starved me, fed me pills
Had to have the

Liquid, fluid, luscious beauty.

They promised

I would be happy, be loved adored Time, hate, pain, hate, pills, hate

Now who am I?
Barbie twiggy kate moss

who could have known?

I'm here

The liquid, fluid, luscious beauty or so I'm told
I can't believe
been trained
not to
I'm not good enough
pretty enough
special enough

YES YOU ARE!!!! who, me?

love to all