|Lisa's Story||Compulsive Eating||Toledo, Ohio|
I have been struggling with my overeating habits for the past five
I have just recently entered counseling to discuss this disorder.
Even now as I try to remember how it all started, I cannot. It was like it had happened overnight. Before I knew it, I was eating non-stop, numb to the fact that I would usually consume enough calories and fat for three or four people just in one day. I sit blankly, cramming food in my mouth when I am bored, sad, angry, or when I want to celebrate. It's like every emotion that I have has to do with eating. My weight has only gone up. Sometimes when I think about how much I've eaten, I vow to eat healthier. That doesn't last long; before I know it, I am overeating "healthy" foods as well. Calories are calories and if you eat too many of them, you get fat. I have a very poor body image, and very low self esteem.
During the course of my counseling, I was taught to write down everything that I intend to eat, BEFORE I eat it. It did make me aware (at times) as to how much I was eating. But when you are in pain over your eating habits (and looking at them doesn't seem to help), it is really easy to stop writing it down (just as I have done). Personally, it feels like a vicious circle. I become emotional so I eat. I almost always eat too much. Then I become upset with myself for eating so much, that I eat again to numb the pain. I end up feeling helpless and afraid that I will never end this cycle. It is so bad, that I am to the point where I cannot tell the difference from true hunger, and the overwhelming desire to eat everything in sight. I just want this all to end. I do not want to be a slave to food any longer. I want to be able to have a "normal" diet. The feeling of being out-of- control has gotten out-of-control.
I shin den shin
"From my soul, to your soul"