Teniah's Story Bulimia Nervosa

It's like an itching desire, something that claws at your throat and mind like a desperate animal needing food. It's fine when you enjoy it, you need it. You live for it. You crave it. Yet still, it is your worst enemy. Food, was fine until I hit 14 and I began dodging every mirror I saw. It's painful, it's horrible but I live with it. Whenever I get the chance, I empty out the fridge, and the cupboard. I don't eat heaps and heaps and heaps, I just eat a lot. Then of course the guilt takes over my mind. "I could get fat. People will be turned away from me." My next trip is the bathroom. On my way, it's of course "shit, this is really tiring", but my next thought will be "you'll be rewarded and you'll succeed after your trip to the bathroom." My throat wretches, my head pounds at my temples with pain, my stomach calls out, my jaw hurts but my mind sooths me. Sometimes even after I throw up I feel bad, maybe because I have not gotten enough out.

I mean, I have been in a psychiatric hospital. I went in with depression and came out with bulimia. No-one even noticed. No-one seems to realize. My parents are oblivious to the fact that their little girl, the fine one, would stick her fingers down her throat. They would deny it.

Though I know I have support when I need it, bulimia is hard to tackle but with support, time and healing it will get better. I know it. Though I cannot stop it. I just know some people love me.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.