Sara's Story	Bulimia

I am looking through the cabinets finding something "safe" to eat. I pick up a can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. I glance at the nutrition label and am horrified to find it as five grams of fat in it. I put it back and grab a diet soda. I pinch the fat on my side. Gross I think. Time to go on another diet I groan. Dieting had become a habit. I would eat "normally" for a few days, starve for a week, eat, starve, eat, and starve. It was a vicious cycle. It started in the seventh grade when a group of girls, including me, decided to go on a diet. It would get us to eat healthier plus we would lose a few pounds. But weight wasn't what I lost while I dieted. What I really lost was my positive self-image, my ability to stop eating when I was full or to tell when I was hungry, plus my energy and a bunch of water weight. I was really unhappy. I had thought if I lost weight it would fix everything, but it only made it worse. At the time I didn't know but now I know that it isn't. I remember sleepless nights with nightmares that I was eating candy bars and donuts. Endless days where I would fall asleep in class because I had not energy to stay awake. Most of all I remember just wanting to be normal and be able to eat like everyone else. I decided to find another solution. I had just gone off a diet. My mind and body were begging for food. I binged on chocolate, Almond Rocas, and bread, anything I could find was thrown into my mouth. By the time I was done I was incredibly full. I HATED being full!!!! Diets had taught me fullness was "bad." That is when I discovered purging. I had heard about it before but been too afraid. I thought it would hurt. This time I was desperate. I stuck my fingers down my throat and everything came up. I had done it! I had found the solution. I could eat anything I wanted and not gain weight. This would be the end to all my problems, but it was only the beginning. "This is the last time" I would tell myself every time I purged. It started out as an occasional thing. For the times I overate or ate too unhealthy, but soon I was throwing up grapes and bagels, and then soon I was throwing up whenever I was bored, sad, angry, scared, or feeling anything. I was purging up to seven times a day. This went on for about eight months. Usually it takes a person longer than that to become very, very sick but it hit me fast. By the end of seven months I was pale and weak. I had sores around my mouth, in my mouth, scars on my hand from teeth marks, my hair was falling out and my eyes were all bloodshot. Looking at myself scared me. That is when I decided that maybe I needed help. One sunny afternoon I told my mom that I had a problem. I had expected her to be mad and disappointed in me but she wasn't. She was supportive and called the doctor immediately. I felt much better having told my mom. It was like I huge weight being lifted off me. That weight was reapplied when I learned about all of my health problems. I had an electrolyte imbalance that was causing my heart to beat slowly and irregularly. On top of that I had tooth decay and was severely dehydrated but what was scariest, was that my heart was in the low 40's range. About a week later I was admitted into a treatment center. It was May 26th and I was extremely nervous. It was the first day of treatment. I felt so out of place there. Not only was I the youngest one there but I was alone. For the first time in my life I didn't have my best friend next to me. As time grew on I became more comfortable and soon was participating in all the group discussions. It appeared that I was doing well. I had learned other coping strategies, normal eating portions, cognitive thinking and a lot of other helpful things. The moment I was out of the treatment center I became really scared and had a relapse. Even though dieting had failed me in the past I still looked upon it as an answer. Diets and bulimia stuck with me a lot longer than I thought it would. I didn't want to let go of it and I still don't. Through all the bad times it had been there to comfort and calm and without it there I was alone. I didn't want to face the world or my feelings. I was trapped. Even though I still have trouble and still purge or diet every once in awhile, those things are becoming less and less. I have discovered it is a lot easier to deal with feelings than to hide them and I try to deal with it when the situation calls. The eating disorder is looking less and less like a solution. I have come to see it did nothing but bring me pain, health problems, and negative thought patterns. I want it to end and that there is enough to make it end. Sara