Mariska's Story Bulimia Nervosa





It started in high school, on a whim. I threw up only a few times. Then I used the method on several occasions, on and off through the years. It was not until after a 50 lb. weight gain from overeating while pregnant that I got involved fully fledged in the disease (dis-ease). Little did I know what was to come. I was about 10 lbs. from my goal weight and was using it as a method of weight control. First once, twice monthly, then once, twice weekly, then once, twice daily. It controlled me. Whenever I was upset, I ate, I got rid of stuffing the pain, throwing up the pain.

Whenever my stomach felt full....I had the urge to throw up and did. I shared this shame with Noone. I often thought people would be surprised if they knew how much distress I was actually experiencing. I also thought that I could stop this anytime, no problem. I also thought that punishing myself, inflicting pain on my body and psyche, would surprise my family and friends, if they knew just how much a victim I had become. Little did I know that quitting the bulimic part of the dis-ease was only the first step to recovery. Just like that, cold turkey, I quit one spring day about 4, maybe 5 years ago. I remised once, with the easy throw up of ice cream at the end of summer. I was not prepared to go into a clinical depression during the fall.

I sank into depression not wanting to get out of bed unless to run my business or care for my son. I was scared and alone. I wanted to die. I tried to explain to my husband that this was serious. I finally leveled with him about my bulimia. I had told him before...but not the details which I shared now.. I knew that I could have died either the dis-order would get me or the depression. The depressions was borne out of my inability to healthily communicate my thoughts and feelings. I was use to stuffing (with eating) then purging (with throwing up) all my feelings down the toilet. Now, I was faced with speaking my peace...finding my peace.

It has been a long road my friends. I have a lot more to say than time today. I saw this email which my very supportive husband sent me 2 weeks ago. I have wanted to send a response since first discovering about this project. Include me. If you need more, ask me. I have just this past August........with 25 extra lbs. started a workout program 3 days a week...I am recovered. I have come out from under the bushel basket and consider myself somewhat knowledgeable on the subject based on my slow, yet deliberate road to a healthier me. I do not need a pen name, I am out of the closet so to speak....

Mariska Kinsey