|Lynn's Story||Bulimia Nervosa|
I remember growing taller and faster than most girls my age. I was never extremely overweight, I was always "big boned." To be honest, I can never remember a time when I didn't think I was fat or overweight.
I think I was 7 or 8 the first time I made myself throw-up by putting my fingers down my throat. This happened only once or twice until I was 13. When I was 13 I finally went on a diet and was very successful. As I started to shed the weight I became more and more obsessed until I finally quit eating altogether. I ate only what I had to, but nothing more.
Eventually, starvation took its toll and one day I started eating my favorite foods again. I guess you can say I binged, and I panicked and made myself vomit. I became very good at this, I eventually trained myself to vomit at will. I knew about eating disorders from the media and some of the books I had read. Instead of deterring me from the disease, the literature taught me all of my tricks.
When I was 14 I just quit bingeing and purging on my own. I just didn't have the time or energy to keep it up, until I began college. Again, I had gained a little extra weight and I started dieting. I was very successful, but once again I could not maintain my anorexic status. I began bingeing and purging, only this time I moved onto laxatives, dieters tea, and diet pills. I can remember taking almost 100 laxatives a day during my senior year in college. I can remember the shame I felt when I darted to an out of the way bathroom during my breaks between classes.
Now, I am a 26 year old college professor and I am still purging at least once a day. I hate the fact that I haven't defeated the disease, but reluctant to admit to my family and friends that I'm still bulimic.
My family knew I had an eating disorder. I say had because they think I was cured. Actually, they worry when I lose weight, but they are proud that I am "cured," that I overcame the disease. They believed I was better when I stopped going to therapy. My family has no idea that I have thrown up for almost everyday for the past 9 years of my life. Although, I don't binge like I did before, I just purge after regular meals.
I am not really sure what is going to happen in the future. I keep telling myself I'll stop tomorrow and I fear that tomorrow may never come.
Thank you for reading my story. Sharing my experiences is the first step to facing my battle because I am no longer denying that I have a problem.