Patricia's Story Bulimia Nervosa

Hi, my name is Patricia and IÕm 18 yrs old and have been suffering from this damn disease for well over a year now. I HATE the way that I have changed toward people and myself!. I feel so trapped, and it really gets me upset just to think about how stupid I AM for letting this disease take over my life!!!!!


I have always had very low self esteem throughout my entire life, when I was in seventh grade I was going out with this boy named "Jermel", I loved him with all my heart and when he told me to gain 50 pounds I was determined to do it!. I have always been slim with a great body!!, despite this my boyfriend use to tell me that I am way toOOo skinny!! so I went from 98 pounds to 160lbs!!!, It took me about 3 years to gain this weight but I did it!. During this 3 year period I became pregnant and everyone knew!, I use to be the most popular girl in school when I WAS SKINNY and then when I became fat It seemed like no one really wanted to be around me anymore!. All of my friends abandoned me just because I wasn't skinny anymore!!, I really didn't even care because in my eyes being "THICK" was being the best!! I use to hate skinny people because my boyfriend made me believe that being thick was the best!. Then, I had an abortion and me and my boyfriend broke up right after. A year later I was going out with another guy that left to the marines. He was the complete opposite of my last boyfriend, he wanted me to be skinny!!!!!, he told me why being skinny is the best and how being fat or thick is the worst!!!, I have been with him for two yrs so after awhile I started to really believe that being slim is the best and only way to go!! MY GOAL WAS TO BE AS SLIM AND BEAUTIFUL AS HE HAD WANTED ME TO BE!!!! This is when my life was about to change forever!!!!, I starved myself for about 6 months eating nothing but a single apple a day which then turned into an apple a week!!. I went to the gym every single day for 5 hours!!!!!!!, I was so damn determined to loose weight that i could care less how hungry or tired I was. My life became out of control!, I felt so alone and miserable, my daily routine was going to school, working, and then going to the gym! I had no time to rest!!!!, I became soOOOOOOoo depressed!!!!! I hated myself, my life, my family, my friends and especially my boyfriend!!!!!!. When i finally reached 110lbs I knew that I had to maintain it!, It was around Christmas time that I finally ate, and boy did I eat!! I must have ate over 10,000 calories in a single eating period!!!!. My family was so happy to see me eating because they have been so used to seeing me starve, so they kept giving me more and more food. When I got home I weighed myself and i gained 2 pounds!!!! I was going absolutely INSANE!!!!!!!!!!! I didnÕt know what to do and I started to panic, and thatÕs when I remembered the eating disorder films they use to show us in my health classes. I wasn't very sure how to throw up but I was going to try anyway, before I did it I promised myself it would only be this one time and thatÕs it!!. I sat down in front of the toilet and stuck my two fingers down my throat......... I couldnÕt believe how quick and easy it was to get rid of all that food that I just ate, I went to go weigh myself and I lost those 2 pounds!!! I was so excited but kept in thought that I was not going to ever do that again!!! I was not going to become one of those girls who had bulimia! well I was wrong!. The next day I felt so hungry and I ate everything in the fridge, so from that day on I binged and purged. I was so wrapped up in my cycle that I wanted to stay home just to do it, instead of being with my friends I looked forward to eating brownies, ice cream, chocolate, burgers etc..... and then throwing it all up. I use to throw up everywhere! at school, at work, at the gym, the only thing I really looked forward to was bingeing and purging. My boyfriend went to Irak for the war and this really depressed me even more, I got fired from my job, and I stopped going to school so all I ever did was sit home and ate everything that I could get my hands on and then go to the bathroom. I couldn't take it anymore so I told my parents, They didn't really know what bulimia was? but I asked my mom to put me in therapy. She did and they put me on "PROZAC". We were all so confident it was going to make me better but we were wrong.... After spending 8 months inside my house, completely isolating myself from the world I just wanted to kill myself, what the hell was the point of living? I got down to 105 and thatÕs when I decided to show my body off to the world! I wanted to show off all the weight I lost and I felt beautiful! I went back to school my senior year and everyone was shocked!!! THEY ABSOLUTLEY LOVED IT!!!!! everyone thought I looked great!! so I felt great!! all my friends that left me when I was fat now wanted to be my friends again because I was skinny!. ALL the guys wanted me and all the girls wanted to be around me.

I was sooo happy that I WAS BEING ACCEPTED AGAIN!!!!!! so I was throwing up more often now, like 3-4 times a day!. There would be days when I couldn't throw up and I use to get so ANGRY AT MYSELF AND I WOULD SIT THERE FOR HOURS TRYING AND TRYING. If nothing came out I simply didnÕt leave my house until I was 105!, I started to do so bad in school because the only thing I really cared about was my body. I cant explain how frustrating it is to keep maintaining my weight for other people!. When my boyfriend came back down from Irak he saw me and he was so HAPPY! and I hated him deep down inside for being the prime factor for me falling into the arms of this disease!. I felt as if I had to continue being skinny so my boyfriend could treat me better, When I was fat he was so mean to me and now that I was skinny he was SoooOOOOOOOOOO nice to me! My family treated me better, My friends and all of society as well, so I believed that being skinny was the key to happiness and acceptance. I dropped out of my school again and now I'm attending a charter school in Boynton, It is a lot less stressful for me, but IÕm still fighting my battle with bulimia, there are still days that I wont go because I'm a pound over my weight, IM 100lbs now and IÕm honestly very scared, IÕm still with my boyfriend, I still have low self-esteem and I still feel lost and afraid. But I am trying and I will continue to keep fighting so I can win this battle, I will not let this disease EAT ME ALIVE!! I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!! , I feel like no one really understood me until I came to this website. You guys understand me and donÕt judge me and you donÕt know how much I really appreciate that! THANKS FOR LISTENING TO MY STORY