|Hayley's Story||Bulimia Nervosa|
I am 16 years old and have been bulimic for the past year, and although that may seem like a short time to some of you, it seems as though it will never end.
It all started about third grade when I became "chubby." I never really thought about my weight and all since I was little, but in sixth grade, it hit me. "I am fat" I always thought. My mom is certainly the biggest health food freak ever, so we donÕt even have any junk in my house. Therefore I donÕt really understand how I could have gotten so big. It must have been in my genes, because my twin sister was about the same size as me.
My mom and dad were always pressuring me to lose my "stomach". It hurt me so badly whenever they told me. I tried an tried to lose weight. I went on diets, but I could never make it long enough. I love to eat, and when ever I do eat, I eat too much. by the time I was in eighth grade I was only 5 feet tall, but I weighed about 120 pounds. I was bigger then all my friends, and I was even more hurt that they were all prettier then I was. 7th and 8th grade were the years of bat mitzvahs, and thatÕs when all the boys and girls started hooking up. Every weekend we went to these parties, and I swear I was the only girl who hadnÕt kissed a boy. I would go home and cry and pray to be skinny.
Once I was even at Hebrew school, and there was a list of kids names on the wall for classes. Someone had written something bad next to some peopleÕs names. Next to mine and my sisters, it read, "fat." I was so devastated, I wanted to kill myself. I hated that feeling, because I knew I would never be skinny.
Finally in 10th grade,where i weighed 124.5 lbs, a new opportunity awaited me. I was shopping for a homecoming dress, and found this gorgeous betsy johnson skirt on sale! The only size there was a size 6, and I was an 8. I really wanted it, and decided I would buy it and lose weight to fit into it. I had only two weeks, and strong motivation. I wasnÕt going to let myself down. I limited what I ate every day, but I didnÕt starve myself. I did not eat that many carbs, and ate mostly salad. I even cut my lunch down in school to half a sandwich. The first two days I had already lost three pounds because my body was not used to it. It was going great until about 3 days before homecoming. I guess I was fed up with the dieting, and I went crazy eating too much food! I felt so guilty that I decided I had to throw it up. It was scary, but I felt relieved. I figured this is great because I can eat whatever I want, and I can just throw it up later! I did so for the next three days, and I ended up losing about 7 pounds in those two weeks! I was so proud, but it wasnÕt enough. After homecoming I kept throwing up, even were it got to more then 5 times a day. I vomited everything included little snacks such as a couple pretzels. For a while I was in denial. I kept telling myself I did not have bulimia. Now it has come to my senses, that I probably do. I got my weight down to about 105 pounds one day. Now I am about 112 and I am very upset. I still have a stomach, although not as big as I used too. IÕd also say that I got a little prettier, but apparently boys donÕt think so. I still have not yet even kissed a boy, and I feel so left out of something that is so "important" as being a teenager. I am getting better though, and that is why I have gained weight. I only throw up now once maybe twice a day, and it usually isnÕt even every day. I have a feeling I will get better over the summer to because I do not throw up in public places, and I definitely will not in camp, so I will have to get over it. I just hope I donÕt lose weight or turn anorexic instead. I am scared.