Anonymous99's Story Bulimia Nervosa

I've been bulimic since I was eighteen but have been obsessed with my weight all my life. I was a heavy child with a very disciplined mother who used to freak out if she gained two pounds. She is barely 5'1" and always had to be less than 105 lbs. She is still that way today. She is 83 and weighs 98 pounds. Weight was always a big issue and I remember her always commenting on someone when they were thin and lanky, like that was the way to be.

I came from a family that fought constantly. My Mom took her anger at my Dad out on me. I was an unexpected pregnancy when he wanted to have his way and my Mom worried she would get pregnant but she did it because "that's what you did then". I ate to fill an empty space inside myself. Once my mother said to me "how fat do you want to get?"

I finally managed to get down to a size 9 by counting calories and eating food that took a lot of effort to chew (like celery) so I'd burn more than I ate. I didn't understand much about nutrition so my weight would fluctuate for years.

Finally when I was 18 I worked with a girl who told me she had a secret way to lose weight. She was obese but started to drop weight and she told me she threw up whatever she ate. She told me drinking a glass of water helped the process.

I am now 39 and I am still bulimic. I've graduated and added diuretics, excessive exercise, laxatives, and Xenical to my ritual of throwing up. I am a size 4 and I am pissed at myself because I was a size 2. I've been diagnosed with depression and in and out of therapy for years. I've been on Zoloft but it didn't help. I'm only partly happy in my marriage. I have two kids I adore and would die for. They mean everything to me. I never talk about weight in front of my daughter. I don't want her to end up like I am.

I know I need help but I don't know where to go. I throw up every day. I am looking for a referral in northern NJ. Anybody know a specialist?

signed anonymous99