Michelle's Story Bulimia Nervosa New Orleans

I was always teased by guys when I was little...I was about 5'3-5'4 and 155 pounds...the guys always called me fat, butch and ugly. So starting in about the 6th grade really, I became really concerned with how I looked. I always felt that I was fat. Every time I looked into the mirror I saw nothing but ugliness and fatness. In 8th I guess I was about 5'4-5'5 and about 140 something pounds. My friend in 8th grade told me about bulimia and that day at lunch I went into the bathroom and tried to purge my food up. It didn't work and I said that I wouldn't do that.

In 9th grade my mom put me back at this private all girl school which I hated. All the girls except for a few were snobby and stuck up and they were all stick thin and all the guys liked them. They were mean to me and I felt that if I were thin and pretty I would be more accepted by them and by other guys. I started to think about purging my food again and this time I succeeded. My classmates found out through a big mouth in the class. I kept telling them I stopped (I was lying) whenever they would tease me about it.

The summer of my 10th grade year two sisters who were coming to my school found out. One of them stopped speaking to me and became a little bitch to me. But I just ignored her because she doesn't understand. She thinks that it's only about weight and it's not. She says bulimics are stupid and like I said its not always about weight. I have depression because I'm at a school I hate and my parents are just impossible to live with sometimes because they are old-fashioned. So I purge my food sometimes as a way to make myself feel better.

I am currently in the 10th grade and I'm about 5'5 133 pounds. My goal is to be down to 118-120. I feel so fat and I look it. I purge my food up every time I eat something that has made me full and that makes my stomach stick out. I don't want to gain weight. I have started to get attention from guys and I have found some true friends. I know the dangers of bulimia and I know what I'm getting into. My counselor wanted to tell my parents of my depression but I convinced her that I have been doing better and that I stopped puking (I was lying), so now she isn't going to talk to my parents.

Being bulimic makes me happy in the sense that I have control over myself and I know that my friends will slap me if it gets to be to bad. I play sports year round so that helps out. Only my closest friends know that I still do this. But I have control over my body and that makes me feel good but like I said purging will prevent me from gaining weight and the fact that I play sports helps. I also exercise daily and my stomach is flat and I refuse to ever have it poking out because I just ate something. I feel that it looks disgusting my friends will stop me before things get to bad and I know the dangers. I just don't want to ever go back to being fat the way I used to be.