Amber's Story Bulimia Nervosa

I was reading all the stories from people who just started this eating disorder. Saying how you think you could stop if you wanted to. But you don't. I was the same way when I first started. I thought to myself, I'll lose a few pounds and then I'll just eat healthy so I won't gain it all back. And so, here I am, a YEAR later and approximately 20 weight goals achieved later - I feel as though these repetitious bingeing and purging cycles will never end.

I am 17 years old. And to have to deal with a problem like this and do your BEST to convince others you have no problems is a living hell. Putting on "genuine" smiles for family and friends and guys. Makes me feels so FaKe. And the thought of having an eating disorder makes me ashamed of myself.

At first I thought it was the answer to my problems. Soon it became a way of dealing with everything! Pressure, jealousy, hate, and anger. Somehow, it was always there when I needed it. I know, it will always be there when I need it. Even though it's killing me, it's so impossible to just let go of it. I started this last Christmas. I have always been a little chunky, but never HUGE, at least not as big as that "little voice" in my head keeps telling me that I am. (I don't really hear voices in my head, I hear the eating disorder telling me how grotesque and fat and ugly I am...someone else with bulimia may understand what I mean.)

I want to get better now, but with all the laxatives and purging, I am so afraid that my body just won't work right. What can I do?? Nothing. Like usual. No one cares. Least of all me. As long as people continue to think I'm ok. I will be ok. Sad. But that's how I feel. It's Christmas again. Time for cheer and love and all that stuff. I don't plan on spending Christmas in a hospital. So, I will keep my mouth shut and keep on smiling.