Stephanie's Story Bulimia Nervosa

I'm twenty-five years old and have struggled with bulimia for eleven years. I have never liked the way my body looks, even though my friends and family say I'm beautiful just the way I am. I wish I could see myself through their eyes but all I see is fat.

According to my doctor I weigh what I should but I think it's too much. I want to be perfect but no matter how hard I try I never am. I have two girls, one is four and one is 11 months. I hope and pray they don't become like me. I feel lost, alone, and out of control. I want a normal life but I don't really know what that is. No one really understands what I'm feeling. My husband knows but not to the true extent of my disease.

I want to stop but I am afraid. I don't know how to live without it. I am starting to feel the side affects of my episodes, as I like to call them. My hair is starting to fall out. My mouth is full of soars and my teeth are rotting. My heart races very fast occasionally and I've been coughing up blood. I know I could die but I still don't stop.

When I feel things in my life are out of control food is there for me. When I eat the pain, hurting, and sadness go away but than the guilt comes and I have to get rid of it. I think I am addicted, it's like a drug and I love the high, the control. Everyday I wake up and say I'm going to stop and than I see people eating or my stomach growls and I know what will happen. I don't like eating in front of other people. I feel their eyes staring at every bite I take judging me and thinking what a pig I am. I throw up everything I eat now and even drink except water or a diet drink. I want to disappear sometimes. I feel like I'm trapped in a dark hole and the light to my escape is growing very dim. I know I'm killing myself and the sad thing is I'm more scared of losing my control than my own life.