Anonymous Bulimia Nervosa





Hello,

I am a 14 year old female who has been suffering from an eating disorder for nearly 5 years. I do not remember exactly when it started. I remember when I was nine years old, 4'8" or so, about 80 pounds, " I'm fat, I should diet". But I never did. Then sometime in the beginning of 5th grade I went on a serious diet. I was about 4'11" and 95 lbs. I didn't know what I was doing, I knew nothing about carbs, protein, etc. I only knew that if I ate a little fat, like 10 grams a day, and like 1000 calories I would be skinny and not have to deal with my budding breasts and widening hips.

I would read the fat and calories in food and run 15 minutes or more a day, do hundreds of jumping jacks and sit-ups and pushups. I didn't binge. I sometimes broke my diet but that was rare. My parents never noticed. I was 10, eating nothing but a dry salad and skim milk for lunch, then a small snack and dinner.

The summer between 5th and 6th grade I exercised for literally about 4 hours a day. Then it all came down in grade 6. I totally didn't care what I ate. I had always been thin/normal and I remained the same. 7th grade in a small private school made me want to be the best, the thinnest. I was constantly starving and bingeing. At 5'3" I was between 110 and 118. My all time now was a time when I was in a play that required me in a leotard in front of my 15 year old boyfriend. At 12 years old I starved myself till I was down to 108.5. Then that night I binged I ate and ate and ate until I was about to pass out. This continued for about a week. When I got on the scale I was 119 lbs. Somehow though, I couldn't do it anymore. By the end of 7th grade I was 124.

8th grade started out with me being the most popular girl in school. All of the boys liked me and asked me out, life was great. I am always being told I look older than I am. I knew some of the people thought I was a slut because I had gone out with older guys. While life looked great I was battling my weight. No one noticed my fluctuation from 122 to 129. I hated my body, the attention I got from being a C cup at 13. Then I started throwing up.

I had occasionally tried over the past few years but never succeeded. I used ipecac and toothbrushes and of course my fingers. I was fighting with everyone, my grades were going down. My parents were constantly disappointed in me. Over the summer I had planned to get down to 100 for high school. I had my days of not eating, I had my days of bingeing. I am now in the 9th grade at a very prestigious private school, with a 3.0 average. I volunteer, I play soccer, I play volleyball, I'm a cheerleader. I feel unknown and ugly.

Almost everyday starts with a diet soda, and nothing else till after school. Then I think about my horrible day and eat and eat and eat. I often throw up after this. Next to my beautiful, successful parents I feel like an ugly failure. My mother loves to point out how much weight I've gained. At 5'4" and 130 lbs. I know I am not obese. I am "chunky" though or as I put it, curvy. I still get attention for my body but still. I struggle every day. Math class is usually spent figuring out calorie contents, weekly menus, etc.

I know this is not healthy but to look at me you would never guess. I don't ask people if I am fat because I know they will lie. When asked why I don't eat lunch I say my breakfast was huge, eating at noon makes me tired, I am nervous about a test, I don't feel so well. I have never told of my food obsession.

I go back and forth, I want someone to fall in love with, to understand me. Yet I am very independent, I can do it, I don't need anyone. I am also rather shallow. I am not pretty in my opinion but many say I am. I spend about 2 hours a day on hair and make-up because I feel stupid and have been told I am superficial. I feel like no one cares about my personality so why show it? I am also rather icy at first, until I got to know a person. My smart, talented, beautiful, happy, social sister graduated from a very hard college this spring and you should have heard what my family was saying. I binged big time during that time, all the "she's so incredible comments" got old. I am very unhappy yet I put on a good front. If you saw me on the street tomorrow, I would look happy. A big smile, baby blue eyes, blond hair. But I knew people think she would be so pretty if she lost weight.