Margaret's Story Bulimia Nervosa

Hi my name is Margaret and here is my story.

I remember the first time I made myself throw up. It was on my 17th birthday and my mom had made my favorite: a Jello Reese's cup pie. I was on another one of my diets and I had planned it all out. I didn't eat any lunch that day just so I could have a tiny slice of my birthday treat. Well I ended up two big pieces and as soon as I finished I ran upstairs to my room. I had ruined my diet! If only I could've eaten just that little slice. I remembered how I had heard about sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up so I decided "Hey just this one time can't hurt." I was wrong. That one time thing turned into a terrible monster that has haunted me for almost 2 years.

The days when I didn't obsess about my weight seem like so long ago. All through middle school and up though my sophomore year of high school, I was one of the skinniest girls in my class. I was very active. I played basketball and I ran track. I also was a cheerleader and being the skinniest girl I always got to be the flyer: the one who got lifted up in stunts. I loved my body and what I could do with it. All of that changed around my sophomore year. I was a late bloomer and I became more developed that year. I got boobs and my weight moved from 100 pounds to 115. "Honey most girls would love to be 115 pounds. You are not fat!" my mom would tell me. But I didn't believe her. I was no longer being lifted up in stunts because there was a new girl who weighed 90 pounds. I had such a distorted image of myself. I believed that I was fat so thus began my diet days. I limited myself to 800 calories a day. No carbs, no sweets, only skim milk, no fat salad dressing. Some days I wouldn't eat anything at all.

Then I began making myself throw up. I began bingeing and purging. I didn't even have to stick my finger down my throat. I could just make myself throw up. I lost control and bulimia entered my world. I thought I could stop anytime but if only if it was that simple. I would have periods when I would eat normally and not throw up. Sometimes it would be days, weeks. I once went 4 weeks without throwing up but of course that didn't last. No one, to this day, has had any clue what I have been battling with. Most people think that bulimics are super skinny but we aren't always. I mastered the art of hiding my bingeing and purging episodes.

Now I'm a college freshman and I am still struggling with this. I am making some progress. I binge and purge at the most 3 times of weeks and I hope I will improve. I hate bulimia so much! I want so badly to be able to get rid of this forever. I have been recording what I eat and my feelings in a journal and that has helped somewhat. I am going to keep on fighting. It has really helped me reading others stories and knowing that I am not the only one out there who is battling. IF you are bulimic too and you are reading this keep on fighting and know that you are not alone. We can fight this.