Anonymous Story Bulimia Nervosa Massachusetts

It consumes my life

I'm a 14 year old girl. I should be concentrating on homework and getting good grades, like I used to, until It came into my life. No matter how many times someone tells me I'm not fat, or I need to stop thinking about what people think about me, it never sinks in. The first time I threw up it was 7 months ago (September '99) I had missed the bus and was waiting for my Mom to drive me to school. I hadn't eaten breakfast so I grabbed a bag of chips and started munching on them. I was in a pretty good mood, surprisingly not depressed. I was watching music videos then the Christina Aguilera video came on. Depression set in. All I could do was notice her perfect figure, her flat stomach, her beautiful blonde hair. So, to make myself feel better I went to the bathroom and tried to throw up. And I did. I don't remember how I felt, probably happy I got it out of me.

Since then, off and on I have thrown up, but it's increased to 2 or 3 times daily. Now, to you it may not seem fair to put the blame on anyone, but they're are people to blame. And I will name then. First, my brother, Bobby. For all those times you called me a beast, a cow, or told me I have a fat ass, If anything happens to me I pray you live with the guilt, because you no doubt deserve it. Ashley S. in my school, for calling me a fat bitch, wait until the day you feel as much pain as you made me feel. For my father who always said something about my eating habits. For my friends who betrayed me, thanks a lot guys. Thank you for your continued support, helping me reach my goal, helping me become bulimic. I thank you all.

I read many stories on how people to do this to gain control of their life. I can't say that's how it is for me. I am doing this, firstly because I want to lose weight. But secondly, and I'm sure most importantly, for revenge. To make all those people I mentioned, and many others, to feel guilt. Because if they can make me feel this way, I want my pain to smack their faces twice as hard. I want to stop eating all together, but I find that extremely hard. I go through school having nothing but a bottle of water for lunch and no breakfast. I come home, pig out, then puke. It's how it goes every day. I don't know if the reason I am feeling extremely dizzy and lightheaded has anything to do with It, but it's comforting. And on those days which I don't eat, the burning hunger eating at my stomach is a medal, it is a sign of achievement. My problem was a secret until recently. My friend found out about It, and told the counselor at school. She pulled me in her office, and of course I denied the whole thing. She believed every word I said and sent me on my way. I pretend to be happy to most people, maybe they know I'm not, maybe they don't. Honestly, I don't care. I just want to live my life the way I have chosen, after all, I am entitled to my own decisions, no matter how immature people label 14 year olds to be.