Gemma's Story Bulimia Nervosa

I have as long as I can remember been very insecure about my weight. I have always been overweight, right from a baby so I had reason, but I was also unconfident, shy, and withdrawn. My weight never bugged me to the extent it did when I reached 11 years old, I noticed, really noticed how the other girls where so much thinner than me, from then on I have been on so many diets I can't remember the total, only to find failure and misery.

When I was 14 and a half I hit rock bottom, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and social phobia. I was in such a mess, I concentrated on one thing, my weight, I thought it was the course of all my problems. After reading numerous stories of anorexia on the internet, I tried starving myself. I had lots of time off school in which no one was home, so nobody knew, they still don't. I would go all the way to afternoon tea without anything to eat, enduring huge hunger pains with water only to binge on huge amounts of food when I cracked.

I hated myself and I knew I had to do something, so when I binged, I threw up. I used to binge and throw up to six times a day. I knew whenever I ate all that food it was going to come out anyway, so I told myself it was alright. I hated throwing up, it was disgusting, it hurt my throat badly and it made my eyes and nose water, but I still did, it was my solution to my problems. I would cry all the time about my weight, eat to comfort myself and then purge it, I felt so much better after it was out, I felt in control, I felt light and happy, but it was a false sense of security.

I went on bingeing and purging for about 5 or 6 months until I knew I could not go on doing it. I got such a sore throat from the acid coming up from my stomach with the food that I could not swallow. I nearly choked myself to death lots of times and it was so, so horrible! I have stopped now but there is always that temptation to throw-up, especially since I still have no control of my eating and binge regularly. Sometimes I give in to that temptation. I want to be free from all that. I just want to be happy.