Kate's Story Bulimia Nervosa

I can't really remember what was going on the year I started bingeing and purging. I just remember being eleven and looking at myself in the mirror and hitting my thighs because I thought they were too big. I told my mom about it because after awhile I'd get nosebleeds. I think I told her also for some attention, which is ridiculous because I'm an only child and my parents are divorced. My mom thought that I had just tried it and that was it. I can't really blame her.

For awhile I didn't even know how to purge and I might not be in this position today if I had watched that TV show that changed my life. It was an undercover police show and one of them went undercover as a football player in a team that was supposedly taking steroids. The guy took some and then purged them. They showed how he purged and that was that. I was on my way.

Since it was so new to me and I barely knew anything about what could happen to me I would purge almost whenever I ate. It would have its moments where it would cool off, but the self-hate and self-consciousness never went away. To be honest I can't remember what kind of things (relating to my eating disorder) that happened that year. Nothing at all really.

When I was 13 it would have it's really bad times, but it was in the summer after 8th grade when I was going into high school that it got to it's worst point ever. I would stay in my house all day and eat every now and then. If it was so much as a bowl of cheerios, I would purge it. I counted everything....calories, fats, carbs, sugar...etc. I kept it on a little piece of paper and I would carry it around with me all day in my house. My mom got very worried about me because I seemed so depressed. The funniest part is she took me for a blood test to see what I was lacking and what I wasn't in nutrition, but it also could detect if I was taking drugs. How? I didn't go any where.

Ninth grade brought a lot of landmarks. The first time I ever purged in school (it wouldn't be the last), the first time I ever really tried to kill myself, and the first time I ever went to an eating disorder support group. That was in April and before that I only had my friends who didn't know diddly squat about bulimia. That's what I was diagnosed as.

May brought on Mother's Day and that was a catastrophe in and of itself. Food everywhere, but I didn't eat any of it. That's what made me super proud of myself. I don't remember if I lost anything, but for awhile I'd live on sugarless bubble gum and water. If I ate more than I was supposed to of my gum, I would get really upset and cry sometimes because at that point it felt like a binge. One morning I got up and felt totally nauseous. I couldn't shake the feeling and before I knew it I was throwing up acid....pure acid from my stomach. This scared me and yet it encouraged me that I was "doing it right". In my particular cycle of my eating disorder nothing really lasts long. Soon I was back to what I always had been and had always run to, my bulimia.

As of right now I'm doing fairly well. I just wanted to write this and say that it hasn't been any number of years since I've "recovered". It's been two weeks since I've purged last and I'm starting to restrict here and there. But I STILL HAVE HOPE AND DETERMINATION. I know I will conquer this beast inside my head. I'm going to be 15 in about two weeks and I don't want to be like this forever, hating every year that goes by because it means one more year I am still living with this thing inside of me.

~*~peace to all~*~