Emma's Story Bulimia Nervosa

I hate the way that I've lost control. Food has taken over my life. I have lost friends, family and my life because of this. The sad thing is though that I enjoy doing it.

I'll plan a morning that I know everyone's out. I won't have slept the night before because I'm excited by the prospect. I'll see my mum in the morning and make short conversation to my mum before heading out to the local shops. I'll look at all the special offers on chocolate, pizza sweets etc., etc. and get as much as I can into my hands. I then begin what I've been waiting for.

I sit there in my car eating away as much as I can. I enjoy it. It releases tension and frustration. I then begin to feel bloated but proceed. I then venture home and head straight to the toilet, unable to stand up straight as my tummy is so full. I feel guilt but the desire to continue until I've finished. I'll step on the scales several times to make sure my weight it the same often lower than it was before.

I look back at when it started. My 18th birthday I had stopped eating before it and had lost 1 1/2 stone but on my birthday I drank too much and found out how easy it was to be sick. From then on bingeing became an art.

At first it was only around once a week but it starts controlling your life. Now its nearly every day and I have become such a great liar. I don't like deceiving people, especially my family, but its like another side is doing it. I want to stop but I can't, and half of me won't. Bingeing does something to me, which I can't explain. Whether it's control, relief or power I'm not sure. I can't explain this disease and I don't think anyone can.

People try to help, but soon get frustrated with you. I am in the British squad for my sport and have a chance for the team next year. I had 3 months off because of this, but recently restarted, and I'm back to fitness but I often asked myself if I stopped being sick every day and concentrated on a healthy balance I could be such a good sportswomen. It just doesn't happen though, I can't.

Most people know about my condition and I'm happy for them to know. I want people though to understand that Bulimia and such are diseases. Media and Posh, being too skinny and sporty to fat, create stereotypical images for girls to conform to. Life it difficult. I just hope that both you and I can overcome this problem.