Angelica's Story Bulimia Nervosa





i'm 14...a freshmen at high school..and i'm bulimic...i was always a perfect weight...earlier in my childhood my parents had problems with me NOT eating.....i had anemia...i can remember the first time i actually ate a whole meal...i was 11...6th grade ......it was a whole portion of chinese food...usually i would just eat a piece of chicken....i think that's when i started to crave for food alot more.....one night in my room i was sitting in my bed when i noticed a little fat hanging out my stomach...idmeatly i got on the floor and did like 200 sit-ups.....well i only did this for like a week....and i guess i gained wait....i went from being 100lbs...to 135lbs....in about a 1yr and a half....although i think it was because of puberty..but still it wasn't acceptable.

When i went to Guatemala for 7th grade summer...i was 12.....my whole entire famaly was shocked on how much weight i had gained...they would say things like....u should run...exercise...don't eat junk food....my mom even bought me a special cream to put on all over my body.....supposedly to loose fat while exercising....when i came back i went on a diet...it was more like i was anorexic....because i wouldn't eat for days.....well i went from 135 to like 109lbs. .....i felt soooo proud of myself...i had achieved what i wanted....but then i don't know how i gained it all back again....during this time my mom was on a diet....so she wouldn't really mind if i drank her slim fast shakes....or her pills....in like a yr. she went from being 180lbs to 135lbs....

When we went to Guatemala the next summer.....people were nicer to me.....they told me i had lost weight and i looked fine....my mom got lots of attention and compliments..people were amazed...and would ask her how she lost the weight....and she would tell them about her 'recipe'.....which was like all these vegetables mixed together as a shake....that's all she drank all day...even i was surprised on how much weight she had lost....i was proud of her....what bothered me was that some people would say comments like....your mom is thinner than u...or like, u better watch out because your getting fatter and your mom is getting thinner...this devastated me....

Well starting my freshmen year...i joined soccer...and lost like 7lbs....i wouldn't eat breakfast....no lunch...i'd go straight to soccer practice without eating nothing....now that i look back i think i would of had a better season if i would of eaten something to give me a little strength....well then i'd go home and eat a bowl of cereal and that was it....i'd go to sleep thinking and wondering if i'd loose a pound by next morning...i'd wake up and weigh myself idmeatly...sometimes i would be happy of what i saw...sometimes mad because i had gained a pound or didn't loose anything....well my friends always told me that i wasn't fat....i admit that my body isn't that bad....but i believe that if i loose like 10...15lbs i will look better....

Well one day..i had promised myself i wouldn't eat anything fat before getting home afterschool...well i don't know how my friend got me into going to Mcdonalds and i went .....and i ate what i had craved for days....right after taking the last sip of diet soda..i felt disgusted...on the way home....i was so disappointed at myself like always....and i couldn't go on anymore....the day earlier i had watched a movie on bulimia.....and instead of being disgusted....i was actually inspired....i saw how this girl just stuck her fingers down her throat...and that was it....i never saw myself doing the same thing...i thought bulimia just happened to other people NOT me....well after crying in my room about eating a #7 at Mcd's...i decided to vomit....i looked at my 2fingers for like 10min......the first time i tried nothing happened....so i just started crying.....but then i got this thing in me that i had to do it.....and when i finally vomited....i felt so powerful and i don't know it was such a great feeling....at first i felt....like finally i had control in what i ate...it felt so great being able to stuff myself afterschool and then come home and eat.....and then go into my room and throw it all up....then i decided to stop.....it was like a week...and i had forgotten....kind of....about vomiting....well one of those days i broke my leg playing soccer...and my mom and i were at the emergency room....and i was telling her that i was learning about bulimia and anorexia in health class....i did to c how she felt about bulimia and anorexia...she confessed to me that during the time she had lost the 55lbs....she did it with the help of bulimia....i was so shocked....i thought my mom didn't even know what bulimia was....and while she was telling me i felt like i was the parent and she was the child....because she was telling me how all of the sudden the toilet was something special to her and everything ...... it was soo weird....then i dicided to tell her about me and bulimia.....i lied and told her i had done it like twice...and she said i should stop cuz it wasn't good...and i told her y should i if she was doing the same thing....she said she had stopped but i don't believe her...i thought she was going to help me.....but instead she made it feel like being bulimic was ok....

Breaking my leg affected me so much....because i wasn't able to exercise at all...i had to be at rest at all times....so the only way i was going to eat and not gain weight was by vomiting...my friends grew away from me since i couldn't really go out..i hated the feeling of not being able to walk...and the only thing i could think about was food...well at first i use to vomit only when i ate pizza and things like those...but then eventually i'd throw up bananas....it's been like 4months and it's weird because.....i lose like 5 pounds and i gain then right back.....i hate it...but today i promised myself i would start loosing weight seriously....and i will right now i'm 5'4' 135 pounds....and it's not like i'm seriously fat..i still get attention for my body...but i think i'd be able to get even more if i was 120 to a 125 pounds.....i don't want to look like those models on run ways either...that's not my image of perfection....even though i think those skinny models aren't perfection...to me Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez...are normal....

Since my mom lost the weight all my famaly cares about is how fat people are....my aunts sit and talk about how fat someone got...all they talk about are diets....it wasn't this way before.....and i think it's not only my famaly ...i think it's everyone....and i know it's sad that i've been influenced...and i'm scared of gaining a pound but that's the way i feel....and i know i can stop...because i really wouldn't want to be TOO thin..i know bulimia has control over me...i vomit like 4 times a day....but those headaches and heartburns....r just a part of it.....and i have to deal with it.....i don't plan to stop until i look perfectly good in a bathing suit......and until my scale reads 120.....that's the day i will stop and have tears of joy

Right now i feel like vomiting....my head is telling me that what i just ate is gonna make me fat...i know that by this summer i have to weigh 120 pounds....i have to...i wouldn't be able to face my famaly and friends in Guatemala telling me how fat i look....instead i want then to tell me how great i look... i want they guys to like me even more..is that so hard to ask for....i know that if i don't take advantage of the weight i loose...say i gain it back...it would be bad 4 me.....because i only want to borrow bulimia for 2 more months and give it back to hail....i don't want it to fuck up my life..i want it to do me a favor and make me loose 15 pounds....that's it...and from there...i'll start eating healthy...and get my life back together

Thank u soo much for the site....i'm glad there are people facing the same thing i am....and it's sad..but these stories don't really scare me.....the only part i really pay attention is to how much weight did the person loose ..how they lost it....and in how long

angelica