I have woken up everyday for the past 11 years hating myself. I am 17 now. I can't ever remember being happy being me. I am so fat and I hate myself for it. My sister was always the prettiest one and even though she was fat when we were younger, when we started high school she managed to control herself and lose weight. She became anorexic. I am so inadequate next to her. I hate myself for it. Food and weight is my obsession. I wake up and think about food, all I do is think about food and when I can next binge with out being caught then throw up.
I started throwing up in grade eight. All my friends were so much better than me. They were good, they were skinny. I hated the fact I couldn't eat without gaining weight. At first I only threw up when I had eaten something really bad like chocolate cake or chips. It wasn't a big deal. After awhile I stopped throwing up and spent the next few months becoming fatter and fatter. I just ate and ate. It got to the point where I was 15 and weighed 90 kilos. All I wanted to do was die. I was fat and to me that was hell, absolute hell on earth. I should have died for allowing myself to get so fat. One day I snapped and decided I wasn't going to be fat anymore. I only ate a salad once a day and then threw it all back up. I lost 16 kilos in 6 weeks. My family and friends became worried. I stopped eating and only ate once a week in a huge binge then threw up. I cried all the time and worse I tried to kill myself. I was still fat. Fat to me is the most repulsive thing I have ever seen. I hate fat people only because they remind me of myself.
My family soon caught on when I was starting grade 11 and sent me to a counselor. I got better for a while. Then it started again because I was still fat. I am now in grade 12 and I have been throwing up everyday for the past 9 months. I hate my body and I hate me. I am so fat. And I hate myself for not having any control. I tell myself not to eat and I do. I hate it. I want to starve. I don't deserve to eat.
Bulimia sucks you in, you have no choice. You become a slave. You can't stop, you can't control it. It is a horrible, horrible way to live. You hide vomit in your room, you steal food, worse, you know it is wrong but you can't tell anyone because they will hate you. I know I live like this, it is my life. I want help but I am so scared. So scared to stop and eat a normal meal. I can't eat normally anymore. Any food is bad so you either eat and throw up or you just don't eat.
This is my life. I want help but I don't know where to begin. If I was anorexic people could see I needed help, I wouldn't have to explain, but I don't have that kind of control because I am a pig. I can't stop eating. I hate this. I am so sorry for writing this, it is the first time I have been able to express any feeling at all about this demon that has taken me over. I am so sorry. You don't have to add this to the stories, it is enough for me knowing I have typed it. Maybe one day I will write another story. The beginning the middle the end, ending with I am no longer fat and I can eat normally.....a happy ending.
But please, if you are even considering losing weight by throwing up DON'T DO IT. DO NOT DO IT, IT IS HELL. DON'T DO IT, PLEASE DON'T DO IT. You don't want to live your life like that. DON'T DO IT.