Jennifer's Story Bulimia

I just wanted to compliment you on the uniqueness of your site...hearing a woman's voice say the truth about what I and so many girls go through everyday was a nice scare, in terms of the reality of the pain and damage that I am just beginning to come to terms with. Bulimia IS disgusting, and that is the double-edged sword. Our biggest fear is that people think we look disgusting and so to try and ensure that they can't, we try to reduce ourselves to such a slight, dainty little cutie by doing that which is by every measure completely gross and disgusting...shoving food in and forcing it out....and so we have to fight our biggest demon twice because of our behavior. Do you get what I am saying?

After three years of intense bulimia to maintain a weight of 105 on my 5'10 frame, I am finally allowing food to stay in me and so have gained weight...125 now. I am getting used to this new body...I like that I am sexy now and that it is garnering me a lot of attention from males...but part of me is troubled about why that continues to matter so clothes don't fit anymore and I have to deal with that.

The trick to my finally gaining weight after all this time of knowing how dangerous the effects of bulimia might be on my body is simple...I finally just got so busy into something that I am passionate about that the days and hours would go by with me working and being where I had to be that I just simply didn't have the time to purge...and then the days turned into weeks and before I knew biggest obstacle was already behind me...I had gained weight and the world didn't end...and as a matter of fact, I got a lot of surprising (to me) attention about how much better I looked. Even though people told me that BEFORE…to try and be of some motivation to help me allow some weight to stay on...I just couldn't do it of my own will. So, I guess I am just trying to tell you about what is working for me in my recovery because I know that any positive outcome from the depths of any eating disorder can never be told too much.