Anonymous Story Bulimia

My story is a rather twisted one. I have grown up in a family of three, without much communication and all wrongs have been dealt with, with violence. Both physical and emotional. I went into a psychiatric hospital for depression. Now, later on, I have bulimia and quite wrongly I do not speak to anyone about it. I remember the first time I forced myself to throw up. It was basically for no reason at all, it just happened and afterward I realized I had just brought up my chocolate chip muffin but I felt better. As if the fat I had taken in was not there anymore. I had been obsessing about my weight long before and had starved myself so many times up until I discovered a new formula: "throwing up". It is a whole lot more logical to me even though basically there is no point in eating, it's more eating and then feeling guilty so the familiar trip to the bathroom becomes a regular activity. I say "activity" because the fact that I know what I am doing is abnormal, though it has taken over most of my life. The meaning, the fun, the food and above all my happiness.

I only forced myself to throw up on an occasional basis, back when I first discovered this great new formula. But today I frequently throw up, only giving in when it becomes to tiring and even at that point I sometimes tell myself to do it , don't wimp out and that I will have succeeded when I am through the pain.

Though no one notices my disorder, I do know now that I am not alone. This Web site gives me the only opportunity to speak out even though I shall remain nameless and I have decided to seek help as I realize what a life-threatening disease this is.

Thank you so much for developing this site, it has given me an opportunity to feel a sense of "belonging".