My eating disorder started a little over a year ago when i was 20. Now that i look back at my life, i have always had a distorted image of food but my disorder really progressed during my sophomore year of college. In high school i was always unhappy with my body, but i was very athletic so i never had to really worry about my weight. Since i started college i have never felt more like a lazy piece of crap.
I am 5' 3" and when i started college i weighed 120. I was solid muscle because i was a gymnast and i played 3 sports. By the time i was a sophomore i weighed 140. No one ever told me i was fat, but i have always hated the way i look. Even in college i worked out everyday, but i had so much trouble keeping my weight down with all the late night snacks and stuff. I just became so down on myself all the time. i would look in the mirror constantly at myself (as i have done all my life). That summer i went to the shore and all those normal things college students do. The only difference is that when i saw pictures of myself in a bathing suit i realized how fat i really was. I had wanted to lose the weight so bad and get down to 110, my goal, but losing weight isn't easy for me. So this is where i begin to tell my story.
My second semester of my sophomore year i became very sick. I lost some weight during that time. When i got better i was so hungry from not eating that i pigged out for the next week. I hated myself for it. Every time i ate i hated myself more and more. I had never really thought of an eating disorder, but one day on my way back from class i picked up a slice of pizza. I didn't feel to good after i ate it, so i went to take a shower and i threw up in the shower. I guess i proceeded to stick my fingers down my throat and it was just so easy. It was even easier that i could do it in the shower and no one would have to see me in the bathroom stall. So that was the starting point. I knew that throwing up was bad so i tried so hard to just not eat. I succeeded for a few weeks at eating about 500 calories a day. If i did splurge and go overboard, I would just throw it up. I began working out everyday and with the combination of all these things, i was achieving my goal of losing weight. I felt so good and was so proud of myself. It became hard sometimes to throw up after i had just eaten dinner with my friends and they were around, but i always managed to do it successfully. I can remember days where i would throw up 20 times. If i ate 20 things, i would throw up 20 times. Some days i would throw up so much that i would black out right in the middle of it.
I remember in March of last year i had to go home for something. The second i walked in the door 20 pounds lighter, the compliments started flying. At this point i new i had an eating disorder but i didn't really think i was bad until i look back on it today. I can remember that weekend at home eating and going in my room and throwing up in a bag and storing it in my closet until i had a chance to throw all the bags out. There i was, losing weight and no one even new what was wrong with me. They just thought i worked out a lot and i had everyone fooled. I had started smoking earlier that year because i figured a cigarette would act as an appetite suppressant. Sometimes it does, but for the most part it doesn't. That summer i worked a lot so i really just didn't have time to eat much. My weight stayed about the same all summer, 115. I was happy at that but i am not there anymore.
So, this brings me to today. I am a junior now and still struggling with this disorder. The thing is, i don't want help because i am fat right now and i want to be skinny. If i get help i will never have a chance to be skinny because i will be forced to eat. I am trying so hard to be anorexic but i love food so much that it is so hard for me not to eat. When i look at the past when my disorder was really bad, i see how unhappy i was because i was always feeling like crap with sore throats, and stomach problems, but i was happy because i was skinny. I live in a new place now with new roommates and it is not as easy as throwing up in the shower anymore like when i lived in the dorms. I am not depressed anymore because i have a new boyfriend, my soul-mate, so i want to eat because i am happy. It's like i have a whole new life and so many things to be happy for but the voice in my head is still there. I am actually kind of mad because the eating disorder voice in my head is not overpowering me the way i want it to be. I know i need help because my life consist of looking on the internet, reading books, and watching movies about eating disorders. The difference is, i use these things as tools to help me keep up my disorder. I find new ways to not eat, hide my throwing up, and i get all these tips on eating disorders. It's like i use these tools to help me have a better eating disorder.
I hate my body and myself so bad right now. I am about 125 pounds but this time i lost all my muscle and i am just a big blob of fat. I have never felt fatter. I also hate myself because i cannot control my eating and i have no motivation to work out. I have no time to work out with school right now. I don't know if this is an excuse or not but i want to be skinny. I especially hate myself because i still throw up a lot, but not every time i eat like i used to. So that means that i am gaining more and more weight. I wish i could be anorexic. Why do i say that? That is so messed up for me to WANT to be anorexic. I want to be skinny for my boyfriend because he deserves to have a beautiful, skinny girlfriend. I know he loves me for who i am but i would love myself more and have more self-confidence if i weighed 110. I think by writing this it is making me have more self-control. I can actually see everything i always think and it makes me say "what's wrong with you, you can do it". I know i don't need to eat because i feel so much better when i don't eat.
So i don't know what i am trying to get out of writing this story. Maybe i am looking for someone to talk to with the same problem because i feel so alone, or maybe this is really a cry for help. Whatever the case, i'm sorry for boring you with my story. There is a lot more i want to write but i will save that for another time, another story. Right now, i have to concentrate on getting good grades and occupying my life with eating disorder research (which by the way, i do so much of i probably know more than experts do about the subject). That is the only way i can stay in control and not eat. Thanks for listening!