|Anonymous 4||Anorexia Nervosa|
I never knew that it had really begun in middle school until after I recovered. I got into the "weight thing" when I was 11...but it got worse in 7th grade because I actually started dieting, counting calories, and exercising. I was extremely obsessed...and so were my friends--we would diet together but no one cared about it as much as I did. And I was probably the smallest out of my few friends, except for 1. I was soooo jealous and angry at myself for eating and ending up like a "cow" (in my mind). I dieted for a while, but didn't really lose any weight because I hadn't developed the control thing...it was just me trying to be the skinniest girl in my school. Finally I gave up and said "screw this, I love food too much!" and I was OK for a long while...but then returning to school and comparing other bodies to mine, once again I started to think the same as I did in 7th grade.
I got obsessed again and the whole bit, but still, it wasn't about control, it was about being was the skinniest. At the end of 8th grade it was brought to my attention that I was on the path to developing anorexia ... as soon as I heard my friend tell me she was afraid for me I started having panic attacks about it. All the time. Clearly I was AWARE that I could get it so therefore I was in no way near getting it. I was always panicky and trembling about getting this "thing" this demon...or "did I already have it inside me??" so I would lose weight from being so fearful. in turn, this lead me to thinking, "OMG look, it's true I am anorexic" but it wasn't.
I was put on medication for my fears that year. My freshman year in high school was excellent. I wasn't afraid but I no longer dieted and wasn't ever thinking about my weight because I remembered how scared I had become from the thought of it. However, after 9th and during the summer I started up again....and every time I got scared I thought to myself, "no, you need to lose the weight anyway" and then my fears said, "look that's the demon talking" but I ignored and argued with it...I talked myself right into it...and loved it.
This time it was about control. I had power. I could go for days without eating.. or eating very little. I was special...I had something no one else had, and I could look good because I had it. I was put in VISTA in May of 2000 and spent 3 weeks there. I didn't have a horrible case but my lowest weight was 83 lbs at 5'5. I am 16 years old and am still fighting it everyday...but I can beat it.
I am strong now and when I look back at PICS of me from then (which was not long ago at all) I think "I looked so sick and disgusting!" I am not happy with things, and wish I still had that "power" but it wasn't power, it was selfishness. I feel 100% recovered.