Anonymous 5

Anorexia Nervosa

Feeding the Lie

"I'm not anorexic, I do eat." 3 meals a day, almost every day. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. So I tell myself, my friends, my parents, my boyfriend, I'm OK. "How can you accuse me? You see me eat, I'm not starving myself." It's amazing how much lettuce you can eat and keep below 100 calories, the soups you can make at 50-100 calories per serving. The meals you can make and show people you eat to calm them down. I'm a master at these meals. "I'm not anorexic, I do eat." I'm 5'6 and 99 pounds, I know I'm skinny. I look at myself in the mirror, find the fat, find the places where more pounds can be shed, tell myself that I'm not unhealthy, I'm still safe, there is no reason to stop yet. I know I'm wrong. I know I'm reaching a point where it becomes dangerous, I remember the anemia, the bad immune-system, the never-ending line of illnesses from the last time I was here. I feel it closing in, I know the feeling in my bones. Soon. Not there yet, but soon. Some days I try to fight it, force myself to eat. I tell myself off, try to get some sense into my stubborn head. Most times I loose, the food I promised myself becomes a tiny cracker with tomato, tea, a piece of fruit, something like that. I'm not gonna go there again, I'm going to start eating, I'm not going to keep on like this, I am gonna find another way of feeling the control. Tomorrow.