Annick's Story Anorexia Nervosa

I'm writing to you because I hope that you won't do the same mistake than me. I'm 19 years old and I live in Canada. I'm not sure of when I started to see myself as a fat person but I think it's somewhere around 10 years old. When I look at the old pictures, I realize that I was not fat at all, I was "normal". I was not on a diet at that age but I remember that I was sad. I started my first diet somewhere around 12 years old. Between the age of 12 and 15 I did every diet you can think of. I was losing weight, and gaining it back, and losing it ... My friends at that time tried to help me but I pushed them away.

My family is really close. I've received allot of love. My mother is a nurse and my father is a gym instructor. Not eating was almost impossible, I had to figure out amazing plans or lies. I remember that I was thinking that losing weight will be easier when I would live by myself. So from the age of 15 to the age of 18 I starved myself at times and at other moments I had bulimic episodes.

At 18 years old I moved in an other city. I'm a musician and I was ask to join a company over there. Of course without my parents to watch over me I lost a lot of weight. The company started a tour in Canada and I met my boyfriend during that tour. He gave me a lot of confidence in myself. For the first time in my life I felt good with me, so good that I started to eat again. I gain weight and I didn't notice it that much. The tour came to the end and my boyfriend went to work in Paris for a month. That's when the mirror came back to haunt me. I realized how much weight I had put on. I was in shock, how could I had not seen it?

So I started a diet. That was 4 months ago (April 2000) My boyfriend came back but that time I did not start to eat again. He didn't make the pain go away. In 4 months I've lost 18 pounds, and to tell the truth I still feel fat. Today I was touching my hips and my shoulders, it was so comforting and reassuring to feel the bones so close to my skin.

I tought I could control anorexia but I have to admit it, anorexia controls me. I feel like I'm in a race. Some days I'm running against fat and some days I'm running against anorexia. It's impossible to win both race, I'll have to give up on one. But at this moment It's to hard to let go the fight that I have with fat. Hopefully I'll choose to run in the other court before it's to late. Maybe tomorrow will go wrong, but tonight I'm living; and if I have to lose both race... I'll lose in beauty! Annick