Anonymous Story Anorexia and Bulimia

I am not a full-blown anorexic. I am not a full-blown bulimic. I am a full-blown idiot. I want to discipline my body. I want to be able to have the strength to throw up after every last drop of liquid or every last swallow of a solid substance. I want to ignore the cravings and hunger pains. I want to be afraid of food, therefore not eat ANYTHING! I can't. I am a half-assed eating disorder sufferer. I take the easy way out all the time. I will throw up until nothing can come out but I prefer the laxatives. They take effect and basically you don't do anything. When the laxatives don't work, I take more. When the amount starts to get to high, I let my body relax. I shouldn't do that!!!! I should not give myself leeway. Why can't I do it? I can't even exercise. When I do, that gives me reason to eat more. Why?!!!!! Please help! I am going to try whatever I can to loose weight before my birthday.