Kimberley's Story Anorexia, Bulimia Nervosa & Cutting

I had always been a thin child, never eating much, always picking at food but my friend Ana showed up right around the time of my parent's divorce. After my mom took off, left me and my sister and Dad alone with each other and a mortgage he couldn't afford on his own, things began to fall apart. Slowly I cut down on my food because it was what little control I had. I eventually got over my anorexia around 14. I weighed 54 lbs and was 5'1 by that point. .I couldn't stand how I looked anymore or the comments people made about how I looked so I gained the weight back.

When I was 15 I briefly embraced anorexia again and began self-mutilation, cutting because I couldn't stand how ugly I looked. Then the summer of 2000 I met a guy named Kyle. Kyle seemed perfect for me in every way. Well needless to say he wasn't which in turn after I was raped for the fourth time and beaten up until blood gushed off of me and bruises wreathed my body I got an idea in my mind. "What if he was doing this because I'm not good enough looking or thin enough?" Right around then I began throwing up at least once a day whatever I ate.

It's been getting worse everyday but not one of my friends or my family notices. A few weeks ago my weight was down to 92 lbs. I am 5'4 and it was very noticeable yet no one commented. I am now 88 lbs. and staying around there with no major changes lately. I'm still very engrossed in my anorexia and bulimia but my advice to anyone reading this is get help while you can. I've had 3 friends die from this and if I don't get help soon I'll be next. I can't walk right anymore, I'm cold all the time and if I bump into anything I start to cry because it's right on the bone. Blankets hurt even to have right on my bones. Please, please get help. You'll thank yourself for it years later when you gaze at your baby's little face or when you get married or when you graduate college or when you make any sort of accomplishment. We can do this if we fight. Ana can't win, she can't. I wrote a poem about Ana as a friend. Here it is:

Ana my Friend

If you deny this then itÕs your fault

May rolled around, and that meant that prom was just around the corner, so I had to try twice as hard to make sure my dress looked sensational for my beau!

No one understands this disease

ItÕs an internal war going on between my body and mind

I no longer control myself, Ana does

Everyday she becomes more powerful, more greedy

So she takes a little more, another part of me

Food is my enemy and Ana is my friend

Ana protects me from this vile thing

It mustnÕt invade by body; no it canÕt

For it is the enemy and it remains that way

Slowly my obsession worsens, with avoiding the enemy

Still Ana sticks by me and helps

Friends I have no more, family none, Ana is the only one left

She understands and consoles and offers support

No one else understands so I pushed them away from me

I think that maybe theyÕve never had a friend like Ana

Ana sticks by me until the very end, even today

Today I am being buried, for I have died

I am going far beneath the ground to be away from the enemy

Perhaps Ana, my friend has helped me too much

Just remember that if Ana wins, you lose your respect, your energy, your spirit and even your life. Don't let her win. You're a great person and you deserve MUCH, MUCH better then that. Don't let this food disorder ruin your life like it has mine. Fight it and be stronger then I am. It ruins you and makes you feel weak and dizzy and makes you hate yourself. Don't let Ana win. Don't let any food disorder's win, don't.

You are stronger then them. If they win then think of what is lost in the world. Maybe a brother losing a sister or a sister losing a sister or a brother losing a brother. Someone could be losing a daughter or son or mother or father. Someone could lose a best friend or a nephew or niece or a cousin. Fight this and win and then come back someday and help other's who feel the way you do and I do today. Good luck. Just remember that when the world seems darkest it can't help but get better and remember that if no one else it seems is rooting for you, I am and I love all of you that are struggling with this horrible monster inside of you. I'll pray for you all and myself every night.