|Tabi's Story||Anorexia & Bulimia Nervosa|
Hello...I just wanted to tell my story...the only problem was the part where I am suppose to write where I overcame my difficulties. I can tell you that I am working hard to overcome them, but I suspect that this will be a life long battle.
My name is Tabi...I have had disordered eating since age twelve. My body image issues began during the early stages of puberty. I was a gymnast through out my childhood and always remember feeling bigger than everyone else. I remember when I was in the 5th grade...I was 11 years old or so...anyhow we got weighed in front of the entire class...and I was horrified because I weighed 77 lbs. I was conscious of what I ate after that point...but that was just the beginning of my forward tumble into the hell of Anorexia and Bulimia.
I floated through Middle School pretty easily, things got a little worse in High School...but I had a very large group of friends that where always there for me. Things hit an ultimate low my freshman year of college. I started working out 3x a day...but I wasn't losing any weight so I started becoming obsessed with counting calories. I totaled up the numbers at the end of the day and felt overwhelmed with guilt. I began purging and taking laxatives to cleanse myself of the "bad" foods I was eating. When I came home from school the second semester I was wearing a size 12 in girls. I spent the summer in sweatshirts, chain smoking and isolating myself from the world.
I managed to ask for help...but it took everything I had...I took the fear of dyingÉand the realization of all that I was missing out on. I have been in counseling, hospitalized, etc. I have made extreme attempts to self heal myself...including writing a book and jumping 9,500 feet out of a airplane. There are days that I can see life and appreciate it...and then there are days where all I can think about is food- either avoiding it or getting it.
When you are at your worst, it isn't painful because you still believe in your head that you have control. It isn't until you want it to go away that it really starts to hurt like hell. I realize that I don't want to live this way and that there are more important things than food and weight. It is a very serious disease...I hate it with a passion for stealing the life that I was suppose to have...but I love it at the same time for being my crutch when I was too afraid to stand alone. Its weird because you fall back on it not realizing what a numbing effect that it has...you fall back because you don't want to think about everything else in your life...and then, when it starts to take over you, you beg for the superficial pains of life to come back...so that you have other things to focus on besides your eating disorder. If we could just learn to cope then we would be able to live with this disease...we would be able to go through the day...we would be able to live...the way that god intended. The only way to go from here is up!