|Rebecca's Story||Anorexia & Bulimia Nervosa|
I can't thank you enough for this opportunity. This letter will sound radical or even fanatical, but I'm convinced of the urgency to reach these desperate women. I'll appreciate every-one's patience. I read every-one's story and sobbed into my husbands' arms for a while. I cried for all of you. For us. But I'd like to be bold and say I think I can shine some light on Hope. My story starts in a way that frightens all of you; I lived this hell for 10 years. The typical route, anorexia for over a year onto bulimia. I have a bit in common with most of you, probably all of you. Obsessive/compulsiveness, distorted self-image, intense shame, guilt, anxiety, despair, self-loathing and worthlessness. And if things weren't bad enough, the addictive side of my personality decided to add alcohol and cigarettes to the mix for good measure. I remember wondering before vomiting if each time would be the one my luck wore out on; if my esophagus would rupture or my heart would simply stop beating. |
But I became well! I truly believe this is a manageable disease. I also believe not only for me, but you too. I'm not here to give you snake oil, I just know my own story, and it ends well. If it can help any one, yeah!!! First of all, LET GO OF EVERY-ONE'S OPINIONS AND EXPECTATIONS OF YOU! Ten years from now, it won't matter! And it effects you deeply. Pretend your worst fear came true, and live it. For me, I was terrified I'd never be good enough for my mother and she'd reject me. Well, she did reject me, and my world didn't end, but I was strangely free. Pain is part of the process, whatever has a grip on you doesn't go easily, but trust me on this, let go. Eating disorders are far more complicated than a tidy blame game. I don't mean to implicate my mother. This is only a minor part of a multi-faceted monster. From a spiritual perspective, you will positively effect somebody else's life in a wonderful way. Love yourselves as God loves you. The bible promises good things for you in this life time. Abundantly.
I think it is safe to say, if we were all asked, we would agree that "an eating disorder is like living in hell" or "it's as if there is an evil spirit living in my head with me". I sound zealous, but I am a reasonable woman. The evil spirit thing is not far fetched. Go to the Bible, Mark, Chapter 5. Jesus frees a man tormented by evil. He says to the evil entity, "come out of this man, you evil spirit "and then Jesus asks it, "What is your name?" "My name is Legion" the evil replies, "for we are many." All of these spirits leave upon Jesus' command.
I believe God does love us, and the bible says that He knows every hair on our heads and knows every thing we need even before we know. Again, the Bible shows a case where a man's son has an evil spirit. This father brings his son to Jesus and says" if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us" Jesus says, "if you can?" (like, "what do you mean, if I can?"), "everything is possible for him who believes." I urge you to pray to God through Christ. Look at it this way, you have nothing to lose, and so much to gain. DON'T BE AFRAID. JUST BELIEVE.
I am so very serious. The ED is an emotional and physical abyss I'm not certain any one can comprehend unless they've lived it. Don't be afraid. Have big hope. Pray to Christ for His comfort. Literally call him Abba; which means daddy. He will hug you. Sounds crazy, huh? It's not. Not to someone who's felt the security of His love, comfort and counsel. I am well now. I do not wonder if this ED will creep up and hit me by surprise! I do not crave a cigarette or a drink. That is Grace; not simple will power. As I see it, will power allows you to say, "Today I will be strong enough to resist that which I desire." Grace frees you from DESIRE. Life becomes good again and manageable.
You begin to realize fat is not the adversary you thought it was. Fat covers your neurons to make electrical signals travel faster to your brain. Fat makes your hair shiny. Fat nourishes your baby for a year or more. It is not to be loathed. And those people with all of those expectations, so what! God even protects you from your enemies. You can rest, with Christ.
I wouldn't be so fanatical if I hadn't experienced so much blessing in my own life. I travel a lot now and Paris is a great place to eat. To enjoy every bite. I hope you find your health and my prayers are with you all.