Anonymous Story Anorexia & Bulimia

I was always chubby as a child and it never really bothered me until one summer when me and my whole family went to Italy. We were walking around Rome and I stayed next to my 2 incredibly beautiful older sisters and I started noticing that men were always looking at them and flirting with them all the time. Total strangers offered to make them visit Rome and told them how beautiful they were and so on. I just felt so invisible, no one even talked to me, no one even looked at me.

It was then that I started worrying about my appearance. My mother is very beautiful, she's so perfect and thin yet healthy and sometimes I would just stare at her and find myself completely fascinated by her. I wished I could be like her, I felt so lucky to be the daughter of such a beautiful woman, it was like sitting next to a movie star. I started being very stylish and buying clothes that looked like those my sisters would wear. Then my mother started making remarks like, 'oh honey, these pants don't make you look good, you don't have a flat stomach like your sisters do'. I didn't think anything of it and continued copying my sisters because I thought that if I dressed like them, I would be as beautiful as them.

In 7th grade I was 138 lbs. at 5'4, I knew I wasn't thin but it didn't bothered me. I started dieting in 8th grade in November, I first heard about anorexia and that anorexics lost a lot of weight so I thought it would be fun to do it, I looked up anorexia on the internet and I found some articles about Kate Moss being anorexic. She became my role model, she was my idol and I wanted to be as skinny as she was. I started drinking only fruit juice mixed with water all day long and I ate supper with my family. I started losing weight and everyone noticed and started making compliments and telling me how better I looked. I continued until I dropped to 124 lbs. and then my bulimia started.

It was Christmas and I had to eat with my family a lot so I figured I could eat and then purge the food and it will be all good! Nice plan, it worked and I lost 10 more pounds. When people were asking me how I managed to lose weight and still eat whatever I wanted to eat, I would tell them that it was my little secret. It worked for a while until my 21 years old sister caught me with my head in the toilet and my fingers down my throat. I told her I only did it twice and that it's my last time, she believed me and didn't tell my parents.

I stopped purging for a while and started on my new diet. I never ate breakfast, ate only 1 apple at school for lunch and 1/4 of my supper. Sometimes I purged my supper because I thought I ate too much of it. By the end of 8th grade I was 14, 5'5 and 110 lbs. I was happy the way I was and stopped dieting. I ate normaly for 1 month, gained a few pounds and panicked. My sisters went to France all summer and I was only with my parents for 2 months. My plan was to lose as much weight as I could during the time my sisters weren't there to surprise them with a gorgeous new me when they would come back from vacation.

So for 2 months I only ate a kiwi for lunch, lots of ice cold water throughout the day and for supper a few celery sticks. I would binge on weekends (for me bingeing means eating two healthy meals a day and black chocolate for desert) and I went down to 104 lbs. that I maintained by bingeing one day and starving the next. When my sisters came back home they were shocked and surprised. Their fat little sister had turned into a beautiful thin girl with a perfect body and a nice style. They started to make me eat with them and eventually I gained weight, I weighted 110 lbs. at the beginning of the school year. I'm now 16, in 10th grade and trying to lose some more weight. My goal is 100 lbs. and I know I'll reach it soon.

I know that what I'm doing is not healthy but I don't care. I love the attention I get when I'm thin and beautiful. I never went out with any of the guys that asked me out, all I want is to be desired and wanted. I love the feeling, just knowing that someone thinks I'm hot or that a girl is jealous because I'm prettier than she is.

I don't want help, this is the only way I can be skinny and beautiful, I'm not going to give it up.