Deborah's Story Anorexia and Bulimia

God loves us all no matter who we are, what color we are, what wrongs we have done...he loves us unconditionally. What made me come to terms with that is while I was in a treatment center in Arizona, I finally listened to myself tell myself in the mirror, "When God created you, he knew exactly everything you were going to go through your entire life -- yes even this Eating Disorder and all the pain and struggles with it. If he was ashamed of you, or disappointed in you or didn't love you really think he would have created you knowing what you were going to experience? Do you think he created you knowing you wouldn't have the strength to survive this life threatening disease? God chose everything on this earth in his creation very carefully. He told Jesus exactly who to choose as his disciples knowing they would be the ones to have enough strength to withstand the abuse they would receive. God chose "US" because deep down, we are all loving, caring, giving, considerate, beautiful individuals that have so much love to give.

We all struggle with this will never leave us but we can pull together as one and love and support one another until God feels we are ready to serve our purpose. He is not ashamed of us, he chose us because he loves us. That is our purpose, we're not just "Eating Disorders", we are God's Angels sent her to serve a loving purpose for Our Father.

You have to admit, it takes an extremely strong person to keep on fighting and living and surviving this devil that lives inside our head BUT God is with us all the way, we just have to let him in and allow him to control our destiny. Let him control the demon in our head that abuses us so much when God loves us so much! We have to all pull together -- we are stronger in multiples than singles.

Well, I am 35 years old, divorced by 10 years, no children, unemployed, and living at home with my Mother while I recover. I began my Eating Disorder when I was 9 years old. It started out as Obsessive Overeater (age 11 weight of 156 lbs wearing a size 15/16). Then starved myself for 3 months to weigh 99 lbs --- I just had to be below 3 digits. My mother took me to doctor after doctor running test on me to see what sort of disease I had and everything always came out I was in good health. Really, it was the Anorexia Syndrome, which no one back then knew what it was. Why did I starve myself almost to death? My Daddy told me that my rear-end looked as wide as the dishwasher. I numbed! If my Daddy doesn't approve of me, what man would ever want me....I had to lose weight so he would love me again.

The more I lost, the prouder he was of me. Then it got out of control. I kept losing, and losing, and losing, then passing out in school, lost all my energy, stopped having periods, slept all the time, my parents fussed because I wouldn't eat and I was too thin now for them. I just couldn't get it right for them. Nothing I did was good enough for their love. I continued to lose weight and withdraw from everyone.

Finally one day we were at a Family Reunion (yes, all that food and I was a starved Lion craving it). I overheard my Aunt say she had the "perfect diet" where she could eat whatever she wanted and as much as she wanted all she had to do was go throw it up. Wahlah....there it was for me. My "perfect diet". I would eat to please my parents/Daddy then I would go throw it up not to gain weight so they would disappoint them yet again. At age 17, my Bulimia had kicked in -- full force. I starved during the day and binged at night and purged in my locked room in the trash can. But, I made my parents happy....I was eating and maintaining my weight. But, they had no idea I was on a slow suicidal path, neither did I. I was hooked. I have struggled and I have struggled.

My lowest weight has been 90 lbs. I was hospitalized in a Psych Unit, which knew nothing of Eating Disorders and I fought them when they'd try to make me eat. Then the insurance would stop payment after 28 days and I was out again..... playing Russian Roulette with my life once again. Why was God keeping me alive when I wanted to die??? Why??? I was angry. I wasn't allowed to speak my feelings because I was always raised to keep bad thinks inside...don't let anyone know you have a problem...just smile and go on.

Well, I did and it has cost me my childhood, my health, healthy relationships, good friends, great jobs, my ex-husband, happiness and nurturing of myself.

Not until I was hospitalized in 1998 did I realize, all these years I was trying to please everyone else and not please the most important person....God, My Father. I pushed him away from me because I was ashamed of myself and felt guilty and dirty, and how could he love me when I have committed so many sins and have shamed him as his child.

Well, I was admitted to "God's Ranch" for only women. I spent 68 days there - went in weighing 94 lbs at 5'8" and delirious and now wanting to live but felt it was too late. My body had started shutting down. They worked with me, I had a tube placed through my nose down my esophagus into my stomach to feed me because I still refused to eat. But, God's Angels at that Ranch saved me!! They nurtured me, they loved me, they cared for me and they listened. Then finally, I asked God for forgiveness and to come back into my life. I was afraid he wouldn't --- that he would reject me so I was scared! But, he touched my shoulder and brushed my hair and let me know he had been beside me all along. All I had to do was acknowledge him.

Well, I did a lot of soul searching, therapy, body image classes, nutrition classes, nurturing the little girl inside that felt so abandoned and alone for 24 years. That place saved my life. Made me realize that God had saved me for a reason and that everything that has ever happened in my life, good or bad, happened for a reason -- God's reason. It was all part of his plan for my creation. I had to go through a lot to grow through a lot. LET GO and LET GOD!

As far as now, I am still in recovery and getting better. Taking time to find out who I am and not worry who I should be for everyone else. My mother asked me one day, "Do you like everyone you meet or come into contact with?" I said, "Well, no, some I clash with". She then said "So why do you think everyone that you come into contact should like you? Maybe it is personal issues they are dealing with but not personal toward you so don't take it personal". See I was allowing people to control my every thought, my every move, my every choice, my every word so I wouldn't do or say anything wrong to hurt them. But, nobody cared enough to do the same toward me. I was confused. What was I doing so wrong? "I'm crazy, I'm a freak, I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I'm and idiot!" But, now I know I am not, nor are you. We have just had some hard times growing up --- not of our parents fault because they raised us the best they could considering they received the best raising they could. The Past is the Past...we can't change it. We can't change anyone else...we can only change ourselves. But, first, we have to find out who we are to be able to change so listen to your heart and soul. Listen to the wind....God is whispering to you.

Please take care of yourself! God has a great purpose for us. You are here on Earth to fulfill some purpose that only you can offer to the world. You are an amazingly rare, totally nonreplicable individual with talents and gifts that the world anxiously needs. The more that you experience the truth of your uniqueness and beauty, the more you will feel gratitude for your particular God given gifts, and the more you will be able to deliver those gifts to others. Your Soul Has a Purpose---God's Purpose!

I love you all and am thankful you are alive to read my story.

God Bless Us All and God Loves Us All---Unconditionally!

Your Sister in Christ,