Autumn's Story Anorexia and Bulimia





Well, My skewed thinking regarding food, my body, etc. started before I can remember. I was making myself stick to strict diets as early as 9 years old. See, the problem is, my life seems so great- I have great parents, tons of friends, I model and act, and do very well in school. No one ever knew what I was doing to myself. Or why the skinny girl was so skinny...it's been years now and treatment after treatment fails...hospitalization, outpatient care...none of it lasts.

I've been anorexic and bulimic (by diagnostic standards) for about 6 years but it's longer than that. Anything related to food or body I'm addicted to- exercise, purging, laxatives, starving, reading cookbooks, food magazines, diet books, cooking for other people... My anorexia is like this- I can't let myself sleep more than 2 or 3 hours because I'm not burning enough calories that way, I can't drink liquids unless I sweat enough while I'm working out in the morning, I absolutely can not eat unless I'm alone at home so I can purge when I'm done, and absolutely no eating unless it's a blood work day (to temporarily make my labs look better) or unless I'm genuinely ready to pass out, in which case a drink 1/2 cup of ensure light.

When I get angry I still purge, I just don't eat beforehand most of the time anymore. Now I'm even scared of that- so I drink 1-2 liters of diet coke and purge that until bile comes out. I am sharing this in hopes that other women whose stories are similar won't feel alone- I was blessed with a loving family, a comfortable lifestyle, a pretty face, and everything else that goes along with the typical upper-middle class suburban life. I had no traumatic experiences, I was never teased by my peers; somehow the disease just found me and here I am...dying from it and knowing I'm dying from it, and not being able to get off my ass and fix it. And it's frustrating. As all of you know, I'm sure. It's a really shitty disease that I wouldn't wish upon the person I disliked most in this world. And what kills me about this is that we are not stupid women. We are not ignorant women. We may be angry women, or tired women, or hungry women, or lonely women...but we're not stupid. I'm a child psychology major and have a 4.0 GPA as do other eating-disordered people I'm acquainted with. We accomplish so much intellectually, yet, this disease takes over all logic and reason when it comes to ourselves...It doesn't make sense- I can breeze through school doing amazing work but I can't look at myself in a mirror and see what's really there? That's what frustrates me- none of this makes any sense at all. We live in a totally different world than everyone else, and I know I overlook theirs as much as they overlook mine.