Summer's Story Anorexia and Bulimia

I started to diet when I was 7. I always thought I was too fat and I needed to lose weight. My Mom was a bodybuilder and an ex-model. She was blonde with beautiful green eyes and long legs, and even though I was only 7 I felt so ugly and fat compared to her or anyone at that rate. So, I started to diet when I was about 9 or 10. It wasn't too serious I just cut down on candy and whatnot, but when I was 12 it got serious. I wouldn't eat for days and days sometimes weeks. I would maybe treat myself to water or gum and if I was really hungry I would eat a tablespoon of rice. I exercised constantly always thinking I needed to eat less and run more. I lost 30 lb. in 2 weeks. I got so deep into the anorexia that the feeling of not eating became orgasmic. I started to sneak laxatives and ipecac in my food at the dinner table, and I also would put laundry soap in my food on dates when they weren't looking so I could have an excuse of why I couldn't eat it. I even attempted at one point to burn my taste buds off because if I didn't have them then I couldn't taste food so I wouldn't want it.

After about a year of starving myself I couldn't handle it anymore so I starting purging constantly. I would eat cookies, pizza, ice cream, meat, and anything else fattening all at once then purge until my throat burned and all the blood vessel's in my face burst. I started to cut down on all the food I ate and I had a diet of 1 glass of water in the morning w/ one strawberry and for lunch a tablespoon of rice then for dinner a piece of toast no butter and for a snack 5 cherrios. I told myself I wasn't going to purge anymore because it was really hurting me, but every time after I ate I felt so guilty I had to purge or I would get terribly sick. Finally I trained my body well enough that after every time I ate I would purge automatically I didn't even have to use my fingers or ipecac. I was SO proud of myself and that was one the happiest moments in my life. I was 5'3 and weighed 85 lb.. My lowest weight was 73 lb. and at that time I had to be put in the hospital.

I have been hospitalized 4 times since then. I am now 15 and weigh 120 lb. at 5'4. I am not proud of myself for gaining the weight nor am I happy about it. I feel like an elephant. I have fat on my back and on my upper arms that you can grab. I have flab on my stomach. I hate looking like this, but I was killing myself when I was purging and starving myself. When I was 85 lb.. I still left fat. I would look in the mirror and all I would see is rolls and rolls of fat. I would see flab all over my body and I would look in the mirror and cry for hours then I would throw-up just to make myself feel better. I know 7 girls who have died from an eating disorder and I promised myself I wouldn't be number 8 so I started going to therapy and getting help. Now at 120 lb.. I am physically better but mentally I am not. Anorexia never really goes away, it is always lurking around waiting until you’re down so it can take over you again. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done but it's the best thing I've ever done for myself and for my family.